And all the songs make sense
by Mrs.AddieMontgomeryShepherd
Summary: He once asked her how she'd know she was in love. She said all the songs would make sense. And when they're together, the lovesongs do.But apart, they get reminded that so do the sad ones with all those could be's ... or could have beens.  - One Shots -
1. The One That Got Away

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they're all Andrew Marlow's. I also don't own the songs that inspired this. "The one that got away" is by Katy Perry and "Piano Man" by Billy Joel**

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><p><strong>The One That Got Away <strong>

„_Summer after high school when we first met ..."_

Never before had her hand so fast slammed down on the radio's switch.

"Girl, I happen to like this song.", Lanie says from the seat next to her.

"Yeah, well, I don't."

But the truth is, Beckett _does_ like the song – or at least she used to, up until today.

Maybe her current circumstances and the fact that the lyrics seem too perfectly fit them that makes her dislike it.

Or maybe it is just because the song makes her think of Castle and their non-relationship.

But right now, she can't bear to think about Castle, not while she is driving.

However, her thoughts are going a mile a minute when she stops at the next red light.

It had been Summer when they first met, but high school was past then.

It must've been the year she made Detective, back when she was still dating Will.

That year had been a living hell. She had been so deep in her mother's murder that ever coming back from it seemed unthinkable. The only thing that kept her sane had been his books.

So for her, it was the most natural thing to go and meet the man that had helped her without even knowing it.

She knows he doesn't remember this first meeting and in a way, she is relieved, because if he did, she would never hear the end of it.

So, while he doesn't remember, she does vividly.

She remembers pressing the book against her chest to prevent herself from trembling, nervously counting the persons standing between them.

And then she's right in front of him, and he smiles that contiguous smile and all she can do is to smile back, while the fan-girl inside her is almost fainting.

"To whom can I make it out to?"

"To Be- To Kate.", she says, "You can make it out to Kate."

And the words he writes down on the blank page are the ones that finally help her to put her mother's case to rest, at least until he'll find it about 5 years later:

_To Kate-_

_Don't let the past come in the way of your future._

"Green.", Lanie says, tearing Beckett's thoughts away from the past.

They exit the Crown Victoria a few blocks away from the Old Haunt, figuring all parking lots would already be occupied.

On their way to the bar, Kate sees a couple making out in a Mustang to Radio Head.

Somehow, that scene reminds her of their Undercover- kiss, and she trains her eyes on the road in front of her, not wanting to remember the feeling of his lips on hers or his scent that is forever captured in her mind. Now is not the time for her knees to go weak, not with Lanie next to her and not when her partner is just hours away from leaving her. No, that kiss is all hers. A secret, treasured in the depth of her soul only to be revealed and relived in the darkest hour of the night when bad dreams are haunting her. When Detective Beckett is gone for the time-being and all that's left is Kate.

The party is just getting started, when Kate and Lanie arrive.

It's crowded in the Old Haunt, but somehow Castle manages to get through the crowd in under thirty seconds and greets the Detective and her ME-friend in his usual chipper way: "Hello, Ladies."

He quickly ushers them to their places on the bar, where Jenny and Ryan are already waiting and hops onto a stool next to Beckett, training his eyes on the improvised stage, eagerly like the 9-year-old on a sugar-rush he sometimes is.

Surprisingly, it's Gates who enters the stage, directing the first words of the evening to Castle:

"I had just started working in the 12th precinct, when I stumbled over that highly unconventional partnership. A Writer counseling a Detective, not to mention bringing her coffee every morning and bouncing theories with her – I must say I wasn't overly joyed at first. However, I changed my mind after learning that, indeed, you were very helpful over the last few years.

Now I respect your decision to leave the precinct, but I have to say – and I think I'm speaking for the whole 12th saying this – that we're going to miss you. But before we're letting you go, there is something the NYPD wants to give to you."

She opens a little box and fetches a badge out of it. Castles eyes are gleaming for joy when he goes and gets his badge that says "Writer" instead of "Detective".

"Wow, guys – and girls of course – I'm really at a loss of words right now. That's just – thank you. The last few years have been amazing for me and I'm really thankful that all of you welcomed me so openly in the family and did not fulfill the announcement of shooting me a certain Detective kept threatening me with -" at this he winks at Beckett- "whenever I started poking my nose in things I shouldn't poke it into. I'll miss all of you. But who knows? Maybe I'll change my profession after all and actually work for a living."

Under the good natured chuckles of the cops, he leaves the stage and reclaims his seat, saying to Beckett: "I knew Gates secretly loved me."

Esposito is the next on stage,showing and commenting a slideshow of the best "Caskett" (as the precinct members named the unconventional duo) pictures. While Jenny loves the ones of the first year – where Castle gets giddy about absolutely everything and Kate's almost constantly rolling her eyes or giving him her famous death glare – Ryan thinks the one on which they bounce a theory, constantly invading each others space, is cute. Lanie absolutely prefers the one where her girl-friend and Castle are almost nose to nose, declaring "I know who the killer is!" at the same time and Castle himself likes the one on which they're sharing a cup of coffee. But Kates secret favorite is the one in front of the murder board. They just sit on a desk, back to the camera, focused on the board – but her head is leaning against his shoulder (she had been ill that day) and it looks like he is about to encircle her waist.

The one after that certain picture doesn't look sensational in any way. It was made the day they found out there was indeed a betting pool on them. So like one may think Beckett looks completely pissed, while Castle tries to fake a hurt expression for not being asked to join the pool.

"I still think about hijacking the pool.", Kate grumbles. "Can't believe they bet on us."

Castle leans in a little, as always invading her personal space and murmurs into her ear: "Or we let them have the fun, make a certain Detective -who happened to bet on today- a very rich man and coax him to share with us."

And long story short – that is the tale of Espositos favorite photo (and not because he just won the pool): Castle and Beckett, kissing.

Momentarily, everyone's stunned, but then the cheers erupt and when the partners break apart Castle mouths in Espositos direction: "You owe us!", while Beckett can't help thinking:

_Never planned that one day I'd be losing you._

Because this is it.

There will never be betting pools on them anymore.

No more theory-bouncing.

He'll say "Until tomorrow, Detective." never again.

No, she never planned on having him around in the first place, but throughout the years, she never thought that she could lose him. Sometimes, it had been close, but he had always been there and if it wasn't for her wall, maybe they could have been...

Yeah, they could have been something. But asking "what if?" has never been an option for Kate.

Around the time in which Kate gets an advanced copy of the final Nikki-Heat-novel, rumour has it that the Captain wants her to have a new partner. Kate is not fully antipathetic, but on the other hand not fully convinced either. If you'd ask for her reasing against a new partner, you'd find it a little immature, perhaps even silly. Because Castle is gone for four months now, but Beckett still holds onto the unspoken pact they made: never one without the other.

Lately, though, Kate finds herself asking if the pact – with him gone- still exists or if she's better of with a real partner.

But then, as if he had a clue, he sends her a packet with the last Heat-novel.

On the first side, there is a note:

_To KB,_

_my partner in crime._

_Always._

Needless to say, that she goes straight to Iron-Gates' office, respectfully pointing out that she isn't in need of a new partner, because the boys will always have her back.

She's gotten used to him pulling her pigtails. So whenever she comes to the precinct and sees her desk without his chair next to it, she feels like life is a little less bright. Having him around had work made more fun. Now it's just... hard police work. She never says outright that she misses him, but everyone in the precinct knows anyway.

On a normal day, you'll find her in the wee hours of the morning, listing to one specific song over and over again, humming quietly to herself.

After a really rough case, when no one's there except the alcohol to cheer her up, she sometimes misses him so much that she puts the recording they all made on a happier night on, grabs her guitar and sings along:

_The regular crowd shuffles in  
>there's an old man sitting next to me<br>making love to his tonic and gin_

_He says: Son can you play me a memory  
>I'm not really sure how it goes<br>but it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete  
>when I wore a younger man's clothes<em>

_Sing us a song you're the piano man sing us a song tonight  
>well we're all in the mood for a melody and you've got us feeling alright.<em>

Again and again, until she feels better or – and that happens more often – finally passes out.

"So, you know whom I met at the doctors today?", Alexis asks over dinner, "Detective Beckett."

Castles eyes go wide. "Is she okay? Is she hurt? Did she get shoot at? Will she..."

"You do know that we're talking about a visit by a dermatologist, right?"

"..."

"Relax, Dad. She's safe and sound. Just getting her tattoo removed."

"Oh. Okay." Castle inhales deeply – then his daughter's last sentences sinks in. "Wait – she's getting her... what? Huh, apperently she wasn't joking when she said she had one."

He eyes Alexis, deep in thought. "You haven't by any chance seen it? And made a picture?"

Alexis rolls her eyes. "Dad, I'm not you..."

That is the moment Castles phone chimes, telling him that he has a message.

**Before you mourn something you've never known...** it says, and underneath is a picture of a rose on pale skin.

"... however, ", Alexis continues, "I got Detective Beckett to make a picture."

Spring seemed to have exploded and she's enjoying it, staying in her father's cabin. It's good to be there, far away from the hustle of the city, far away from the murders. Although Jim's with her, it's quiet in the cabin; neither her nor him are talkers. They both enjoy silence.

When she comes downstairs, she hears the rustle of the paper destructing the silence and can tell that her father doesn't want her to see what's on page 6 the way he tries to put it in the bin before she gets the chance to read it.

But she sees it anyway – a picture of Castle with some blonde bimbo (who looks an awful lot like Nathalie Rhodes) on his arm right under a catch-y headline: **Is a (new) muse kissing him again?**

Being aware of the pity-full look her father sends her way, Kate merely shrugs and says like it's not affecting her at all (even if it is and hurts more than another bullet to her heart ever could):

"I suppose it's time to face the music: I'm no longer his muse.", before she pours herself a cup of coffee.

What Kate Beckett doesn't know, though, is that in the heart of the city, Richard Castle sits on his desk, writing. Whenever the inspiration doesn't strike, he'll glance up to a picture on top of his desk. It's a picture of his one and only muse, where she's sitting in front of a window, wearing some of his clothes (due to the fact that her apartment just got blown up) which are way to big for her. He may not be with Kate physically, but emotionally he always is and she never fails to inspire him.

_Heat Wave_ is going to air in a few weeks, and Castle hounds from interview to interview; runs from one tv-show to another.

He doesn't even know on which show he is anymore, is it _Jimmy Kimmel_, _E!_ or _Late Night?_ New York, L.A., Washington D.C.? Really, it doesn't matter so much, because all presenters ask slightly different variations of the same questions.

Are he and Nathalia Rhodes an item now? _No._

So he's dating the Detective after all? _No._

Do the actors the characters justice? _Yes, of course... (_Meaning: … if you don't compare them to the real-life Nikki, Lauren, Roach and Montrose, probably.)

Is he still following the Detective around? _No._

So, this is really the last Heat-novel... was it hard saying goodbye? _Yes..._

Castle doesn't expect this show to be different, when he sinks into the cushion of the couch and thanks the presenter for inviting him.

And sure enough, it starts like all those interviews do: "So, Rick – tell us: How do you feel knowing that your characters will soon fight crime on the big screen?"

Castle's just going through the motions with his answer – telling the presenter, the audience and all of New York's insomniacs how flattered he is and how cool it's going to be, all the while wishing someone would come up with something new.

"And do you know how Detective Beckett feels about being immortalized on screen?"

_That_ is new. And catches him off-guard. Ummm... "Funny, you're asking that now. When I got the call about _Heat Wave_ coming to the big screen, I asked Kate the same question.

She just pointed out that it wasn't her being immortalized but Nikki."

"So you don't know?"

"Well, I **do** know that she at least doesn't hate it, given the fact that she let Nathalie follow her around."

"How about we let the lovely Detective answer the question?" The presenter turns to the audience and announces with a big smile: " Ladies and Gentlemen – here she comes, the real-life Nikki Heat: Detective Kate Beckett!"

And down the stairs comes Kate, wearing the dress he bought her for that charity-event they attended years ago.

Castle can't do anything but stare at her, mouth slightly open.

Kate smirks and then gives him her trademark eye-roll as if to say: Focus, Castle. And close your mouth before you start drooling.

As he obeys her silent order, he can't stop the goofy grin coming up on his face.

The surprise of seeing her after months slowly vanishes, making it possible for him to finally, finally stand up and envelope her in a bear hug.

The audience reacts with clapping and even standing ovations.

But Detective and Writer don't hear it – they're fully engrossed in their reunion.

"What are you doing here?", he whispers into her hair.

She smiles into his shoulder, saying: "I thought it was time to return the favor and poke my nose into your business. Also I heard you were complaining to Alexis about the shows being no fun anymore. Thought I come, stir things up."

"Thank you."

"Always."

He lets her go, still smiling.

Her brow furrows.

"What?", she ask silently.

"Nothing.", he grins, "You still smell like cherries."

When she sinks into the couch's soft cushions, she's a little anxious at first – with suspects, she can deal and even his over-the-top parties she learned to handle, but being ask all sorts of (sometimes stupid) questions in front of a TV-camera? Well, let's just say: Nikki being publicity-shy wasn't just a product of Castles overactive imagination.

But with Rick around as her safe place, her anchor, Kate soon overcomes the anxiety and answers every question with complete ease, like she has spent her entire life in front of cameras and around nosy presenters.

Castle knows that she is enjoying herself when the presenters announces:

"Now, Kate, Rick - we've all heard about your high rate at solving crimes. But are you as good as everyone claims you to be? Ladies and gentlemen – to find that out, we've staged a crime scene over there for Detective Beckett and Mr. Castle. So, Rick, Kate – are you up for the challenge?"

She just smiles slightly, tugs on his hand and they both wander over to the "crime scene".

Looking it over, Castle picks, among other things which seem to be the evidence, sunglasses up; almost shoving them into Becketts face, and declares (much to the audience's amusement) very seriously: "Our vic is a Men in Black. He tried to hinder the aliens to leave the earth, so they took him with them and just left his sunglasses."

Beckett only rolls her eyes good-naturely at him, before she holds a water pistol up: "Over there is fake blood, so I take it that our non-existent victim was murdered with this. Besides, MiBs never lose their sunglasses."

They both turn around and eye their "perps", which have themselves positioned behind the crime scene, waiting to give their statement.

Provided with a little backstory the presenter hands them, Beckett lets Castle ask the first questions, before she easily falls in, reconstructing their old interrogation technique, if they ever had one.

After questioning the last suspect, they lock eyes; invading each others personal space since they're so close that their noses are almost touching.

"So, what we know is..." Kate starts.

"... it was a crime of avarice...", Rick continues.

"... because our victim had a briefcase with a million dollars which we didn't find. And there is just one who'd be desperate enough to commit a murder...", Kate muses.

Then they're silent, just staring at each other, before they both exclaim in unison: "I know who the killer is!"

Both Detective and Writer turn around after their sudden outburst and point at the lawyer with the suspicious full looking briefcase.

The audience cheers and claps as the presenter announces that they indeed cracked the case and guides them back to the soft couch.

Once the applause has faded, he directs his words toward Castle: "Wow, I must they that was kinda incredible; cracking that case in under 10 minutes. So tell me – how long did it take you for usually solving a case?"

"Depends on how often we pulled all-nighters."And just us he says the word, a photo manifests on the screen behind them. It shows the unorthodox pair on the precincts couch – Kate using Castle as a pillow and Rick having thrown the head back on the backrest; both sleeping peacefully.

Kate has never seen this picture before (one of the boys must've taken it and slipped it to Castle when she wasn't looking) and she probably should be a little pissed that he lets the presenter show such a private moment to the world (or at least all of New York's insomniacs), but somehow she isn't. Instead she just smiles and jokes: "I'd say it depended on how often one of us didn't pass out. Or decided to actually do his fair share of paperwork. Let me tell you, for someone who writes for a living Castle here can be very creative at avoiding it."

"Well, let's hope that only counted for the paper work, because I think I'm speaking for all of your fans when I say: We need more of your books in our shelves; the faster the better.

But as I can see, our time is almost up- Kate, Rick: any last words before we call it a night?"

"Good night New York and make sure to watch _Heat Wave_!", Castle says, why Kate merely thanks the presenter for inviting her and also wishes the city a peaceful night, knowing that hers will probably be over in a few hours.

After the show, neither of them wants to part just yet.

So they, after successfully avoiding Castles (and since Nikki also Kates) fans, make their way to Remys. While Castles slides into their usual booth, Kate goes to get drinks.

The owner, who have to come to know the unusual not-couple rather well over the years, smiles at them showing up together again and says warmly: "So he's not longer the one that got away, huh? Drinks are on the house."

Kate accepts the drinks, saying: "I don't know."

Except she does. She knows that at the end of the night, they won't have gotten it right, he'll be gone again; faded into a world that was never hers to begin with, and she'll be alone in her dark apartment wishing she didn't have to say that he was the one that got away... again.

"Kate... well, I must say I'm a little surprised. I didn't expect you until next week.", Dr. Burke says but lets her stride to the couch where she curls up; _Frozen Heat_ pressed to her chest. It's not the current one, but she thinks it mirrors Castles and her situation the most, actually so much that the line between Nikki and herself seems to blur.

"So, what brings you down here, Kate?" Dr. Burke asks gently, as Kate does nothing but starring at the table in front of her.

She grabs the book tighter as she finally says: "Do you remember the day we discussed the ending of _Heat Rises_?"

"You told me about Castle diving in front of you trying to save you just like Rook saved Nikki. You also told me about his confession."

"Right. But as you may know, it's not Nikkis only brush with death. It certainly wasn't mine." Kate gets herself to lay the slightly crumbled _Frozen Heat _onto the table. "You read that, too, didn't you?"

Dr. Burke merely nods and Kate continues: "Then you know about the freezer and the confession Nikki made before she passed out. It... it happened. Well, sort of. We once... we once got trapped in a freezer, trying to find a bomb that was about to explode, years ago."

Castle voice comes rushing back at her: _How cold do you think it is in here?_

"Judging by the way it felt in there... I'd say it was one below freezing..."

_How long do you think we're gonna last out like this?_

"Lastet out couple of hours, the most... No body knew that we were in there. No body knew to even look for us, we thought we were going to freeze to death in there..."

_I always thought being a cop I'd take a bullet. I never thought I'd freeze do death._

"But you didn't die."

_We're not dead yet._

"No. Ryan and Esposito saved us. Still, I wished it would be one of his books so he could rewrite the ending."

_I'm so- I'm sorry. _

_F-f-for being me. Getting into this. If we hadn't gone -_

"He was right, getting in that found the bomb. We were just... to late. But he was there, with me."

_Always._

"And I was just so grateful. I should've fought harder. I should've told him what he meant to me."

"What was it that you couldn't tell him?"

They both know what that is, but Kate says anyway: "I wanted him to know how much I loved him. But I passed out before I could say it."

_Kate. Kate, stay with me. Stay with me, Kate._

Her gaze wanders to the forgotten newspaper on the tables, opened on page 6 with Castle and what seems to be his newest arm-candy on it.

"'Cause now I pay the price."

And it hurts.

It hurts every passing day.

Today the summer finally found its way into the city. It's evening now, but still so warm that Kate just wears a T-shirt. Hands pushed deep into the pockets of her jeans, she walks down the street, her aim clear: the cinema.

She doesn't really pay attention to her surroundings, so it's no wonder she runs into someone.

A small apologetic smile tugs at the corner of her lips when she looks up, saying: "I'm sorry, I didn't-" Momentarily, the words die in her throat when she realizes into whom exactly she just stumbled. "Castle?"

"Kate!", he exclaims happily and offers a hug, which she gladly accepts. God, it feels so good to stand in his embrace. She nuzzles her face into his jacket, a full-blown smile on her lips.

"You're...not tall.", he notes, puzzled, and she chuckles.

"Rookie threw up all over my heels." She lifts her head a little and glances up to his face, seeing a small scar above his eyebrow that had not been there before. She touches it lightly, asking:

"What happened there?"

"Might have triggered a little explosion. Besides, you're one to talk to.",he answers, taking her hand and examining her bandaged arm.

"Suspect's knife collided with my arm. It's nothing, really. Just the perks of the job."

He lowers his arms and she commiseratively steps out of his embrace.

"Where are you heading to?", he asks.

"The movies.", she worries her lip as she thinks, something he has growing to love throughout the years, " Wanna join me? I'll even get you popcorn."

He eagerly agrees and so they end up watching _Heat Wave_.

They have been at the premiere, of course, and afterward Kate has seen it a few times.

Actually so often that she knows all of Nikkis lines by heart, but that is something she isn't going to tell Castle, because then she'll never hear the end of it.

And he's already teasing her about the choice, but she just smiles genuinely and shoves popcorn into his mouth, saying: "The story is well-told. And I happen to like the genre."

Castle swallows and answers: "Oh, admit it already Beckett: You're a devoted Rooki- shipper."

"Whatever you say, Castle. Whatever you say."

It's the very last scene, when Nikki and Rook kiss in the rain careless to the world around them, that always gets to her. It slapped her right in the face at the premiere, made her almost cry because it could have been them. Nikki and Rook, looking so much like the Detective and her Writer, make it easy to get lost in that fantasy.

Kate think that, in another world, hers and Ricks story would turn out differently. She would be his always and he would be her one and done and they'd keep all their promises.

And Kate wants to reach out, grasp the life that Nikki and Rook show her, the very same life that Castle promised her all along; a life in which she would make him stay.

But the screen fades to black, the credits start rolling and reality has her in its grip once again.


	2. Serendipity

**Serendipity**

The first time they met it was merely chance.

He knows that Kate doesn't believe in coincidences or things like fate and serendipity – but even she couldn't say that their first meeting happened, indeed, just by chance. If she remembered, that is. And this time he's fairly certain that she doesn't.

Because if he hadn't had the photo as prove, he probably wouldn't either.

Alexis found it, rummaging through some old stuff. She was also the first to point out that the girl, despite wearing all sorts of baseball- fan articles, looked a lot like a younger version of Beckett.

While every picture he had of her is mostly torn to pieces or hidden in the last corner of his drawer, this is still laying on his desk.

Even as the memory of that specific game comes back, he can't find it in himself to destroy it.

It reminds him of a time where they aren't a mess tangled in lies.

On the day of this game everything was still alright.

He remembers that his chauffeur took him to the game – his mother had never been one for baseball games, hell, she probably couldn't even say what a home run was if her life depended on it.

His seat was next to a bouncing little girl with pigtails who probably wore every available fan article clothing of the New York Mets.

"Look, daddy, look! The players are coming in!", she bounced a little more (if that was even possible) and cheered.

Rick couldn't do anything but stare at her. The girl couldn't even really look over the balustrade – she was standing at her tiptoes to get a proper view – but she totally enjoyed the game.

Maybe it was the game, maybe it was the little girl's joy – but as Joe Torre made a home run, Rick, using his thumb and index finger, whistled loudly.

This however stopped the girl's bouncing. She looked in awe at the older boy beside her.

Being thrown off that she stopped her jumping, he turned to her and caught her staring.

"Wow, that was so cool. Can you teach me how to whistle like that?"

And he did. Being a quick leaner, she had it down after the fourth time trying.

He smiled brightly. "You're quite a talent, er-"

"Katie." she said, shaking his hand.

"Katie. I'm Ricky, by the way."

That is the story how Katie and Ricky met.

The problem is, Katie doesn't recall it and she hasn't a picture that would help her to remember.

As far as she knows, they started out as Kate and Rick a few years later, around the time she was fourteen.

She was at _Comicadia_, getting her very first copy of the _Sin City_ comics, when a handsome young man walked in. While she was still looking around, he chatted with the salesman. She didn't really pay attention but still heard snippets of the conversation.

Writer...

_Hell Hath No Fury_...

Soon on the market...

As Kate drew closer to the till, she also got a better look at the young writer – who turned around just then. As his eyes landed on her, a puzzled expression took over his features.

Rick looked her up and down, trying to figure out where he had seen this girl before.

Or had he seen her? She looked familiar – tall for her age, hair in two braids, hazel eyes smiling friendly at him.

"Excuse me.", he said as he moved so she could hand her copy of _Sin City_ to the salesman, "I know that's going to sound weird now, but you kinda remind me of someone I've seen a long time ago. Have we met before?"

She pondered the question for a moment, before shaking her head. "I'm sorry.",she said, but still stuck her hand out. "My name's Kate."

"Well, it's pleasure to meet you, then. I'm..."

But he couldn't introduce himself properly, because the bell over the door jingled and a fiery red head entered the store, chirping: "Riiickk!"

"Huh, that would be me.", he mumbled in Kates direction, before signaling the red head that he would be over in a minute. "And that is also my call to leave. It may have been a very short meeting, but a nice one nonetheless. Good bye, Kate."

He was gone before she finished biding him farewell and so she was left watching him leave, still staring at the door after he was long gone – a situation she'll find herself in more than once when he's her partner - until the salesman cleared his throat and handed her a paper bag with her comic in it.

They see each other again in 1999.

Years have passed since they met in _Comicadia – _years which felt like a lifetime.

He had Alexis now, who's about to start school next year, and all he wished was for time to stop and let his little girl stay little for a while longer.

She... well, for her time has stopped on the evening of January, 9.

Since that day, Kate was spiraling down, down, down.

If she's ever going to hit solid ground... back then she didn't think so.

But the day after she got into the police academy, she came across his books.

Since the day her mother died is a constant unspoken _Why? _in her thoughts as well as the also unvoiced wish for justice and something to get her through the days.

As she found his books, she didn't hit solid ground but her fall got slower.

His writing became her solace, supplying answers to her unvoiced _Why?; _showing Kate that maybe there is justice for her mother, for her.

With every book he wrote, a part of her started to heal.

Hitting solid ground would take time, but at least she wouldn't fall into pieces when she did.

She was fragile, still, but standing.

Standing in a seemingly endless line, waiting to get a book signed by her favorite author.

Listening for hours to the fangirls in front of her, gushing about Richard Castle, asking themselves if he would still sign their chests now that he was dating his publisher.

And slowly but surely, she got closer to the man that saved her (and will save her so many times).

Slowly but surely, the queue of his fans seemed to end, Richard Castle noticed as he signed yet another chest and laughed about the story the appendant blonde girl told him.

The girl and her friend left, beaming, and he turned toward the next girl, sharpie drawn.

"Where do you want it?", he asked, flirting.

She handed him her book, smiling a smile that never reached her hazel eyes. He took her in, a girl with long brown curls, wearing a black hoodie to big for her slim figure and a jeans, also black.

Sadness radiated from her body, silent, heart-rending, an unvoiced cry for help. If there would just be a way to help her, just a little gesture on his part so she would stop being sad someday...

"What's your name?"

"Katherine."

And so he wrote: _To Katherine – I hope that someday you'll wake up and find that sadness is just a word among so many, again. Richard._

"I hope so, too.", she murmured as she took the book back. "Thank you... for signing – and for writing in the first place. Your books help. A lot."

She didn't think about the book signing the day their story only just started. At least not at first.

A copy-cat murder based on one of his books occupied her mind, as she made her way through the crowd of the book launch party hearing him exclaim to his daughter that he wished for someone to come up and say something new.

Oh, well. She could do that.

"Mr. Castle?"

He turned around, asking her where she would want his signature. The question hit close to home, reminding her that again his books were what caused them to meet. If he would remember her, he'd probably call it poetic or something – but he didn't and she wasn't going to mention it.

Instead she said: "Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD.", showing him her badge.

And this is how the story of Castle and Beckett, the writer and his muse, starts.

They grow close over the years, so close, and this year she dares to say that they could've been more then partners and friends; that _always_ isn't just a word anymore but a future... if it wasn't for the secrets they both kept, which start to unravel now.

Surely enough, "now" is the first day of summer, the one season that separates them every year.

And so Kate is alone in the stuffy precinct, trying to close a case but only hitting cold ends.

staring the murderboard down, she finds herself wondering why they always seem to run in the opposite direction in summer. And, more importantly: what brings them back together?

He doesn't come back for the books anymore, he has done enough research for 50 of them.

So what is it, then? Pondering the question, she can't come to a logic conclusion.

Castle would say that it's probably serendipity or fate or maybe that kind of magic he is so fond of.

Because, really – what are the odds that a boy and a girl meet at a baseball game by chance and fall in love 25 years later, over coffee and murderboards?

But whatever it was that made them cross path time and time again – the tiny part of her which so badly want to believe in happily ever afters hopes it'll strike again when fall comes, bringing him back to her.


	3. If Only

**Author's Note: This one was inspired by "Into the blue" from Sara Jackson-Holman. I messed a little with the lyrics, brought them out of order so they would fit the story. Those of you who know the song will find bits of it woven into the story. Also, the quote is from Royce's letter in "To Love and Die in L.A.".**

* * *

><p><em>'But trust me, putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder:<em>

**If only.**'

The changes are subtle at first, so it's easy for Kate to ignore them and pretend that nothing happens, that he's not pulling away from her.

He shows up late or not at all? Well, _Frozen Heat_ is going to be released soon and Castle being Castle has probably just half of the chapters his publisher wanted to have last month.

He leaves the precinct in the middle of the day? Probably just another business meeting.

But then his ' business meetings' start to show up on Page 6 and the precinct quite frequently: he takes blonde bimbo after blonde bimbo to the fanciest restaurants of Manhattan, while they haven't been to _Remy's_ or the _Old Haunt _in months.

The one thing that doesn't change, though, is him bringing her coffee the mornings he shows up.

He has just refilled their cups and handed her hers, when the elevator opens and reveals the bimbo of the month.

Castle smiles as soon as he sees her, adoration in his eyes, and waves.

Kate sees then that she's wearing a light sundress and also that Castle is putting on sunglasses.

"You're going on a vacation?", the detective asks and he shrugs: " More a long weekend-trip, it being the 4th of July and all. I'll be back on Wednesday."

"Oh, well... then, until Wednesday."

And once again, she watches him leave with another woman. If only _she_ could've been his' to rapport and his to adore, to love and not that bimbo. Oh, if only.

* * *

><p>It's later on the same day when Kate goes to have a chat with Lanie about their latest victim.<p>

"Hey, Alexis.", she says, as soon as she enters Lanies refuge, "What do we have -"

Then, her brain catches up with her mouth and she takes a double look.

Instead of her ME-friend, she finds Little Castle being in charge of the morgue.

"Uhm, where's Lanie?"

"Lunch break.", the redhead says, grabbing a folder from a nearby table, ready to answer all the questions her boss' best friend might have.

'_Well'_, Kate thinks, _'that explains why Espo took of whistling half an hour ago'_.

"No offense, Alexis, but shouldn't you accompanying your father on his weekend-trip – it being the 4th of July and all?"

Little Castle looks down, somewhat guilty. "Yes, but I don't like his girlfriend so Dr. Parish took pity on me and convinced dad that she needs me for the weekend. He's supposed to get some writing done anyway, but I don't think taking Jasmine to the Hamptons will do that any good."

The Hamptons.

Castle is taking the bimbo of the month to the Hamptons.

And the memories of the summer two years ago, when he took Gina with him, come back to her, unbidden.

Before, he had asked her time and time again, but no, she just had to brush him of.

If only she would've said yes. Sure, things had been going on back then, but she just should've forgotten about them for a short time. She could've said yes.

How badly she had wished he'd asked her again, just one last time.

Because then, she'd gladly given him her hand and let him take her across the sand into the blue of the ocean, just like in that daydream which haunted her the whole damn summer long, until the day she met Josh.

But Castle never asked again and with the time passing them by, Kate put that fantasy to rest in the faded world of her daydreams.

If only she had fought harder.

If only...

"...I would've said yes.", she murmurs to no one in particular.

Alexis looks up from the file she's reciting to Kate and asks: " Detective Beckett, are you listening?"

Kate slightly blushes, saying: "I'm sorry, Alexis. I just...I need to go."

She turns around and almost flees from the morgue, suddenly feeling like there is not enough air to breathe in. Kate walks all the way back to her apartment, her thoughts racing each other in circles, all those missed opportunities jutting out like big red signs.

She needs to stop missing opportunities. And on Wednesday, she will start.

* * *

><p>Wednesday comes and goes, but the chair next to her desk stays empty.<p>

Thursday greets her with a gruesome murder, but no coffee to get her spirits up.

On Friday, she meets a Castle, but not the right one. At least now she knows that Alexis' dad came back from the Hamptons safe and sound on Tuesday.

Saturday, she finds a coffee on her desk, but Castle is nowhere near. She would've asked the boys where he went, only they aren't in yet.

So she sits down at her desk, staring at her coffee, waiting for Castle to come back.

But it's not him who approaches her ten minutes later, it's Gates.

"Detective Beckett."

"Sir?"

"Mr. Castle wanted me to inform you that the book is finished. He won't work with the NYPD in the near future."

And the nightmare she didn't know she had is coming true.

He left her; won't come back ever again.

She realizes, maybe for the first time, that her epiphany came to late.

If only she had spoken up sooner.

But she hadn't and now she's here; her back exposed and her partner not around to protect it.

Kate drops back in her chair and stares at the untouched coffee.

When a body drops a little later and the boys leave for the crime scene, she stays behind, still staring at it.

The coffee is there, untouched and cold, when she leaves the precinct with the stuff he left behind.

It's not much – a pen, a notebook, goodies, a back-up charger and his vest.

Kate hails a cab and gives the driver the address of the loft.

She soon learns that Castle is not there, but Martha and Alexis invite her in nevertheless.

Three voices float to Castle when he enters the loft hours later.

One of them belongs to his mother, the other to Alexis, but the third... strangely sounds like Beckett speaking some sort of foreign dialect.

As he enters the kitchen, he sees that it's indeed Kate who's practicing with his mother and daughter for some rehearsal Martha has in a few days.

And damn, she's using that Russian accent of hers which he has been _dying_ to hear again after their encounter with the undergound poker games.

Kate looks up from the page, sees him and the words she was going to say die in her throat, causing Martha and Alexis to turn around.

Rick smiles at them, before he gestures to Kate that she should follow him.

After they are in the safety of his office, he asks: " What are you doing here?"

She hands him the box with his stuff, saying: " Thought you might want to keep this."

"Oh, yeah... thank you."

"I also wanted you to know that having you around for the last four years made the job a little more fun. You were a pretty good partner; the best I ever had, even though I was more than once this close to shoot you for annoying me. I'm going to miss you, we all are. Just so you know, if you're ever up for pulling pigtails and arresting criminals again, we'd be happy to take you back in.

Always."

He smiles tenderly at her, truly possessed by her words and not able to say anything at all.

Her heart grows heavy as she hugs him, knowing that as soon as she utters the next three words, there will be no coming back. Knowing, that when she walks away this time, she'll do it forever.

Just a few last moments, just some last seconds before this chapter of her life ends.

Please, just one last instant to take it all in, to say good bye.

Oh, if only something precious as time had a price.

But it hasn't and so she can just stand by as seconds turn into minutes and their time runs out.

She releases him, eventually, and says the words she'll come to hate the most:

"Good bye, Rick."

* * *

><p>It only takes Kate hours after leaving the loft to start chasing the Dragon again.<p>

With Castle gone there is nothing to hold her back, nothing worth getting better for.

Nothing to stop her and knowing so, she falls deeper everyday.

At first she's trying to hide it, but the dark circles under her eyes and the messy curls give her away, and soon Lanie and the boys know. Even Alexis does, but Kate made her promise to not tell her father about it. It's not Castles business anymore.

Everyday, the Kate Castle loved melts away down a dark and endless abyss, slowly being replaced by the ghostly Kate, the shadow of herself from 13 years ago, who's grasping at straws and chasing the wind in order to find her mothers killer.

And she comes close, oh so close, but can never quite reach the Dragon.

If she had a few more clues, then she could probably take him down... or die at the attempt.

But Castle made sure she never got those clues that could possibly kill her, because he knew that he could keep her from the case that defines her only for so long.

It was his last attempt to keep her safe and so far it works, because Kate falls on her face over and over again, trying to figure everything out.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Nikki Heat is here!"<p>

"Nikki, Nikki – c'mon, smile for the cameras!"

But Kate doesn't smile, she lowers her head and almost runs to the door which will let her into the house where the book launch party for _Frozen Heat_ is hosted.

Instantly, her eyes find Castle, who's parading around not only one but two blonde bimbos, talking and laughing with people.

And again, all her if onlys start running through her mind. Now she knows why she was hesitant to attend this party.

Furiously with herself, she grabs one of the copys of _Frozen Heat_ (even though she already has a signed advanced copy and probably knows the story by heart) and takes a seat at the bar.

She likes the ending the most so she skips to it.

This evening it's probably not one of her smartest ideas, because unlike them, Nikki and Rook get their happy ending.

While reading it, she can't help but start thinking about all her what if's and time after times.

Soon, she abandons the book and observes the party.

Her eyes find Castle again and she watches him watching the pale, broken woman with the somewhat messy curls in a black dress she has become.

There is a long distance between them, but Kate stretches her arm unconsciously, as if she's reaching for him.

If only she would be less broken, then maybe he could've been hers long ago and they would've gotten their storybook ending after all.

If only she knew he would've taken her all along, broken or not.

If only.


	4. The Road To Always

**Author's Note: PolishCaskettShiper wanted me to write a version of the previous One-Shot "If only" with a happy ending. Well, I didn't rewrite it, just thought about a new ending. And here it is, "If only, Part II" as I called it, but it can also be a short One-Shot on it's own; your choice.**

* * *

><p><strong>The Road to Always<strong>

If only she would've listened to Royces' advice.

She tried to, really, she did.

But she risked her already fragile heart once too much and now it's probably broken beyond repair.

If she just knew how to fix hit.

It seems, though, as if Castle is the only one who knows that, because he collected the pieces the first time around and patched her heart and soul up.

The problem is, that he's not only the one person in the world who can save her but also the only one who can destroy her even more.

"Damn you, Castle.", she mutters and nurses her drink, her eyes following his every movement.

* * *

><p>He can feel her eyes on him the entire evening. She was right when she said the watching-thing was creepy. Whenever he looks up from a conversation, his gaze find hers.<p>

Her eyes had always been the window to her soul. She knows how to guard that window, but he still could read most of her emotions and all the things she couldn't say.

Or at least he thought he could read them. Apparently not.

But today, her guard is down and those hazel eyes of hers are calling out to him:

_Help me._

_Save me._

_Heal me._

_Love me?_

He looks away from those pleading eyes. She hurt him to much.

_Heal me._

How, Kate, how?, he thinks, When I can't even heal myself?

His mother nudges him. "I know you're not her biggest fan right now, but don't you think it's a little rude to not even say hello? After all, without her you would've never found Nikki Heat."

Of course, she of all people had to pick up on that. And of course she has to be right, too.

But before he can say anything or go over to Kate, he gets pulled away by Gina who wants to introduce him to yet another important person.

And Kate's eyes are still pleading with him.

* * *

><p>She's still there when the party starts to end.<p>

Hasn't moved for hours, nursing drink after drink, tracing the cover of _Frozen Heat_ absentmindedly. Suddenly, someone is standing just a little to close, crowding her senses just a little to much, startling her.

She looks up, right into blue eyes, trying to smile in a way of greeting, but failing.

"I think you had a little too many of them.", he says and takes her glass away.

"I suppose you're right. Nice party, by the way."

"I honestly didn't think you would show up."

"I didn't want to, at first."

"Then what are you doing here?"

She looks thoughtful at him, watching him twist one of her curls between his fingers.

"Here's the best place to hate me for what I've become. I'm broken, Castle."

_Fix me., _her eyes say.

"It's also the best place to hate me for what I've lost, for what I've let slip away from me without putting up one hell of a fight. So basically I'm here hating me and you, per se."

"What I've done now?"

"You left! You promised to wait for me, we were supposed to have _always_, but you left." Tears start rolling down her face and she doesn't do a thing to stop them.

"Not that I can blame you. I would've left me, too."

His heart aches for her and he captures her in an embrace. And Kate holds on as tight as she can, still crying.

"I remember, okay?", her voice is hoarse when she says the words she should've said months ago,

"I remembered the entire time and I'm sorry, so so sorry for not telling you sooner. I was just trying to cope with everything and finding a way to say it back. Because I love you, too, with everything that is not to broken to do so and..."

He silences her with a kiss.

She's broken, so what? He's damaged, too. Maybe it's time to start healing together because it seems like they're not able to do that on their own.

It won't be easy, their road to healing, to _always_ will be paved with tears, fights and slaying dragons but also with justice and promises of love.

But tonight they won't go further down that road.

Tonight they will just hold on tight.


	5. The Queen Of Chess

**WARNING: character death.**

* * *

><p><em>Just a pawn in a game of chess to protect the queen.<em>

**The Queen Of Chess**

The minute they enter the warehouse, Kate knows it's a trap.

But it's already to late then, because they immediately are in a crossfire.

Castle pushes his partner down; anything to get her out of harms way – or in this case: out of the Dragon's way. Because this is what they're currently doing; Dragon-hunting.

A few months ago they got a new lead on the murder of Johanna Beckett, and Castle -knowing that Kate would go down the path anyway – decided to share his knowledge in order to keep her safe.

With every step they have taken since that day, they came closer to the Dragon, crossing paths with Kate's shooter who wasn't fortunate enough to get away from her in time and penetrating in unknown territory, getting a clearer idea of who the Dragon was everyday.

Today, they were supposed to get enough information about the Dragon to track him down and hopefully bring him behind bars for a very long time.

Answering with a salvos of bullets on her part, Kate has to confess that the Dragon was again one step ahead of them.

But she'll catch up with him, after all she can run very fast.

It's silent in the warehouse, aside from their heavy breathing. She still listens for every noise when she turns to Castle, who lies on the ground next to her.

And sees the blood streaming down just below his vest.

"Castle!"

So much blood.

"'S okay, Kate. Just a little injured."

She presses down on the heavy bleeding wound, hard, and he grunts. Stupid, stupid man. Why did he have to jump in front of her? This bullet, slowly killing him, was supposed to hit her.

_She_ was supposed to lie there on the ground, not him.

"Why do you always have to play hero?"

Damn, why can't she stop the blood from running through her fingers onto the scruffy ground?

"Every story...needs a heroine... to tell it. Some...sometimes, in order to... to continue the story, the heroine needs...needs to step back and let her pa... partner come to her rescue. Besides... gotta make some pretty cool scars, huh?"

He breathes heavier with every passing minute and she's silently pleading with every god she knows to not let him die on her.

Not when they are so close to get the Dragon, not when they haven't yet taken a chance on _always_.

Because she really wants that chance.

"Kate... Alexis... take care of her... and scare off all unworthy... boyfriends."

Damn, damn, no, Castle, don't do that, she thinks and: Where the hell are Ryan and Esposito?

"Schht, Rick. That's your job and I'll make sure you'll do it. Just hang in there."

That's when she hears it, silent steps on the ground, behind her.

She jerks around and points her gun at a masked man. He doesn't even have the chance to draw his weapon, because she has already put three rounds straight in his heart.

Castle coughs and blood hits her vest.

"Don't you dare die on me, Castle."

But his eyes become dull and she feels him leaving her with every passing second.

"Rick. Stay with me. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Rick. I love you. I love you, Rick. And I don't tell you this because you're dying, I, I mean it. I want to tell you how much I love you every night for the rest of our lives, I wanna have a chance of _always_. So stay with me, please?"

He indicates for her to come closer and as she does, he whispers: " Love ... you, al...ways."

Tears start to roll down her cheeks and hit his pale face as she kisses him, for the first and last time as a lover.

His eyelids flutter and close, while she breaks down on him, clutching onto him, weeping like she hadn't done in 13 years, wishing she would've given the masked man a chance to draw his weapon because then they'd be both dead, at least.

She cries for the man who'll never see his daughter graduate from college.

She cries for the daughter who doesn't know yet that her father will never get the chance of walking her down the aisle.

She cries for the mother who lost her son.

She cries for the team that lost one of their own.

And she cries for herself and the future that is ripped away from her.

After what feels like hours of crying, all tears are shed and she just sobs from time to time until she lays perfectly still on his unmoving chest.

* * *

><p>This is how Ryan and Esposito find her.<p>

While Ryan phones Lanie and instructs her to call Martha and to make sure that Alexis stays away from the morgue before she comes down to get Castles body.

By the time Lanie arrives, the detectives get Kate to finally let go of Rick.

Esposito picks her up and carries her to the Crown Victoria.

When they reach the precinct and Kate walks down to her desk, puffy red eyes and without Castle trailing behind her like a puppy, people stare. She ignores them.

Word spreads around fast in the precinct and by evening everyone knows what happened.

Some send pitying looks her way.

Other offer small smiles which say: I'm sorry for you.

Very few truly know what she has lost.

No one tries to get her to go home because everyone knows she's going to refuse.

And so Kate sits on her desk and occupies herself with exactly that kind of incident report she used to half-joke about when Castle didn't stay in the car the first year into their partnership.

It takes her the entire night and in the morning Lanie comes and drags her home, without any complaining on Kate's side.

She ran herself ragged and now she's tired, so tired that she doesn't even make it to her bed and instead passes out on the couch.

* * *

><p>On the morning of Castles funeral, Smith contacts her and orders her to meet him in Central Park.<p>

Never having seen the guy before, she's suspicious but Castle trusted him and Montgomery did,too, so she goes to the meeting anyway.

She knows it's Smith when she sees a man with a game of chess sitting by himself near_ Belvedere Castle._

"Detective Beckett. It's nice to finally see you in person although the circumstances are incredibly sad. I'm sorry I couldn't prevent it."

"What am I doing here?"

"You play chess, Detective?"

She nods.

"If you are a good player, then you know that there are times when a well-placed pawn is more powerful than a king. But sometimes the pawn, as unfair as it is, needs to be sacrificed to protect the queen so she can checkmate the king." He holds the white queen out to Kate. "If you are still willing to play the part of the queen then you know how to contact me."

She takes the queen, feeling the little sheet of paper glued to the figures feet.

"Now I believe you need to go, otherwise you'll be late for the funeral."

She makes it to the funeral in time. It's a lovely ceremony, just Castles closest friends and family. They couldn't give him a full honored funeral, because technically Castle wasn't part of the NYPD, but Gates called in a few favors and now he gets guards of honors accompanying his coffin, over which a flag is draped and the firing of volley shots as a salute.

Kate watches closely from her place in the front row, where Alexis had dragged her as soon as the girl had seen the detective, saying that for her father she had been family.

The detective listens to the speeches and holds Alexis close when she breaks down in tears after her own. Her heart goes out for the girl, but Kate doesn't cry, having shed all her tears on the day he died for now.

She doesn't go the loft, though, instead returns to the precinct.

There, she sits down in his chair, which still stands next to her desk as if it's waiting for him to come back. The precinct looks different from here, allowing her to think outside the box and seeing the white queen placed on her desk from another ankle.

After a while, she snatches the figure off of her desk.

It's time to put the Dragon down, once and for all.

* * *

><p>On the 36th day after Castles funeral, Kate gets a serious lead to the man she refers to as the Dragon and brings him in by noon.<p>

After five hours in interrogation he finally breaks and she hands him over to Esposito, saying:

"You're under arrest for ordering the murders of Richard Castle and Johanna Beckett. You have the right to remind silent – but even if you don't talk I'll make sure you won't see anything besides the walls of your cell for a very long time."

4745 days after putting it up, the last part of the damn wall inside her finally breaks and she, exhausted, grieving and probably high on energy-drinks (because coffee was their thing and now it somehow feels wrong to just make a cup for one every morning), lays her head on the table and cries.

Her colleagues let her be, knowing that backing off is probably the smartest decision, but Alexis – having watched the interrogation for the last five hours – goes in.

She puts her arms around the detective and says softly: "Thank you for bringing him behind bars. But now it's time to go home. I would be really glad if you'd come with me to the loft. Gram is still at her acting school and I just... don't want to be alone."

"Alexis, you should hate me.", Kate sighs, " After all I am the reason your father is dead. If it wasn't for me, he would've never jumped in front of a bullet."

"When Ryan told us what happened, I did, believe me. But when I saw you at the funeral, I remembered the man dad was a bit over four years ago. A playboy, bored with his success and his characters, moping around in his underwear, searching for a new story. Then, you came into the picture and I swear, I haven't seen him so excited in a long time. You were the mystery he was never going to solve, but he liked challenges. Throughout the years, you changed him for the better. I have to admit, I wasn't always your biggest fan and I sure didn't want him to look into your mother's murder. But to him, you were extraordinary; worth to risk it all. He loved you, Kate and because of that, you're family. And I need what is left of my family."

Kate smiles a teary smile, touched by the young woman's words, and lets Alexis bring her out of the precinct.

When they enter the loft a little later, everything looks like the last time Kate has been there. Yet, nothing is the same. She automatically heads for the closed door of his office. For a moment she's convinced, that when she opens the door, she'll find him at his desk, working on a new chapter for the next Nikki Heat.

That moment is gone when she turns back to Alexis, silently asking for permission.

"Go ahead.", the redhead says, "I haven't been in there since... you know. I'm sure dad wouldn't mind."

Kate leaves the door open as she goes further in and stands on the threshold of his bedroom.

For a few minutes, she just takes the room in. She could've gotten used to this being _their_ bedroom.

Kate falls down onto the mattress and lets his smell overwhelm her, sooth her.

With every deep breath she takes, sleep comes and gets her a little more.

And finally, finally, she's out cold.

Here, in his bed, surrounded by his smell, she is safe. It's the first night in a long time where she's not haunted by nightmares, allowing her to sleep for almost 24 hours straight.

It's noon when she emerges Castles study for the first time since she set foot into the loft, dressed in his pullover and sweatpants.

Martha hugs her, as soon as she enters the kitchen and then sweeps away to get her some pancakes, while Alexis pats the seat next to her.

When Kate sits, Alexis hands her a little box. "Gram found that a few days ago. Open it."

Kate does as she is told and finds a necklace whose pendant says _Always_. New tears sting in her eyes.

"Dad wanted to give it to you for your birthday, but I figured now is as good as any other time."

Kate's voice is unsteady as she replies: "Thank you, Alexis.", letting the girl help her to put it on.

From now on she'll take three items with her, wherever she goes.

A watch for the life she saved.

A ring for the life she lost.

A necklace for the life she'll never have.

They just finished eating when someone rings the bell. Martha goes up, saying: "Ah, the notary. Finally."

"A notary?", Kate whispers as Martha welcomes the man.

"Yes.", Alexis replies, "For dads last will. We wanted you around for it."

After greeting Kate and Alexis, the notary sits down, saying: "Now let's start, shall we?

First off, Mr. Castle wanted you, Mrs. Rodgers, to be in charge of the loft. Otherwise, his assets are divided between you and Ms. Castle. This is also valid for the money that comes from the Derrick-Storm- Series as well as for his early works.

All money related to the Nikki-Heat-series goes to Ms. Beckett."

Kate stares blankly at him. "S-Seriously?", she chokes.

The notary turns the testament around and points at a sentence. "Yes, here. Mr. Castle specifically stated that, quote: _Kate gets to be in charge of Nikki – whatever happens with the character, the story and the money coming from it is up to her._ Now Mr. Castle told me that, if something would happen to him, you would take care of his daughter. Is that correct?"

Kate merely nods.

"Well.", the notary says, "To make sure you can do that in every way possible, Mr. Castle let these draw up."

He hands Kate a stack of papers. She looks over them quickly, before her gaze wanders to the notary and then to Alexis.

"Adoption papers.", she states quietly. Alexis looks stunned.

"All that's need is your signature, Ms. Beckett."

Kate is still looking at Alexis. "I'd sign them in a heartbeat, but... it's up to you, Alexis. Do you want me to sign them?"

Alexis is still shocked, but once she snaps out of it, she nods vehemently. "Yes. Yes!"

* * *

><p>A few days later, Kate is rummaging through Castles desk in search of a stapler. But instead of a stapler, she finds post-it-notes with ideas for one of Nikkis stories and even parts of a plot she doesn't know about.<p>

Becoming intrigued, she stops searching and focuses on the laptop no one has touched since his death. It takes her little to no time to crack his password ("apples" - for a writer not very creative, but maybe she just knew him a little too much).

And sure enough, she finds Nikkis last story; _Everlasting Heat_. Leave it to Castle to come up with a title that sounds more like a trashy romance novel than a murder mystery.

But the story is great, really, really great. The only problem is: it ends before Nikki has caught the killer; before she and Rook got their happy ending.

The words that Castle said in the warehouse come back to her:

_Every story needs a heroine to tell it. Sometimes, in order to continue the story, the heroine needs to step back and let her partner come to her rescue._

"He put me in charge of Nikki.", she murmurs and realizes for the first time what he really left her; what he meant in his last will, when he said it was up to her what happened to the characters and the story.

She just can think about one thing to do: ending the story.

So she starts typing, hesitant at first, but soon it's like Rick stands behind her, whispering the right words in her ear; sending her fingers flying over the keyboard.

This is how Alexis finds her; engrossed in her alter egos' world just like the girls' father used to be.

Alexis smiles softly, and lets her adoptive mom be.

* * *

><p>It takes Kate five days to end <em>Everlasting Heat.<em> Then, with the blessing of Alexis and Martha, it goes to Black Pawn.

As soon as Gina has read the ending, she immediately offers Kate a book-deal.

But the detective politely declines, saying: "I'm a cop, not a writer. I usually don't really have a way with words, I only could Nikki give her happy ending because in a way, she's me, but also partly Rick. The way her story ends is how our story was supposed to end. We just never made it to a happily ever after, so the last thing I could do was giving it to our fictional selves."

Those are also the exact words she says at the book launch party/public memorial for Richard Castle, when she's asked if she's thinking about continuing the Nikki-Heat-series.

"It was a great idea to set up a public memorial, my dear.", Martha says as Kate comes down the stairs from the little stage where she just read parts of the book to the fans, "People keep coming up to me, saying how grateful they where for Richards books. He must've really changed their lives."

The detective smiles slightly. "Believe me, Martha.", she says, "That he did."

That's when her adoptive daughter launches herself at Kate and hugs her.

"I take it you liked the reading, then."

"Very.", Alexis says, "Especially the dedication."

The dedication, Kate muses, probably her most honest words ever.

**In memory of Richard Castle,**

**if only '**_**always'**_** would have been a promise come true.**

**But I meant it when I said that I'm a one-writer-girl,**

**so I'm yours, forever.**

**KB.**


	6. I'm Still Here

**Author's Note: I first heard this song on "Rizzoli & Isles". It's "I'm still here", composed by James Levine, David Gould and Janet Tamarro-Natt; sung by Fay Wolf. Also, if you have a suggestion for a song I should work with then don't hesitate to PM me or write it as a rewiew.**

* * *

><p><strong>I'm still here <strong>

The day lets itself into her room after one of the darkest nights in her life.

Dawn reaches with its ghostly fingers for her – and Kate jerks up.

Her breathing is heavy and her heart is beating as if it's trying to jump right out of her chest.

One hand pressed on the scar; her ever present reminder of the shooting she survived, and the other holding onto the bedsheets which are way to luxurious to be hers, she feels the adrenaline rushing through her.

Adrenaline is good. A heart, beating so much it nearly hurts is good, too.

It means she's still here; alive.

She doesn't know right now where 'here' is, but she's there.

She's there.

But is Castle here; is he still alive?

Last nights events come flashing back to her in pieces so sharp she's afraid they're going to hurt her if she's looking too closely.

_Castle!_

She still hears herself screaming his name; desperate and close to tears.

_Rick!_

That's when the gun goes off.

No, she thinks, no!

Montgomery, gone.

Her mom, gone.

Everybody is gone – please, God, don't take him away from her, too.

They're so close to catching the Dragon; he can't be taken away from her yet. Not when she can finally see the path that will take her down to _Always._

_Rick! _

She can still feel the tears running down her cheeks, as she remembers screaming his name again and again.

_Kate!_

She's so surprised when she finally hears his voice that she chokes on her tears and makes her way hiccuping and -because she's pretty beaten up – crawling to him.

Kate still remembers seeing the relief in those blue eyes of his, when he gathers her into his arms and holds her tight; happy that she's still there.

That's when the second gunshot goes off and the relief in his eyes is washed away by fear... and pain.

Almost instantly, she feels something wet and warm trickling down onto her arm.

The very faint smell of iron crawls into her nose, but even without it she would've known that it is blood.

And it's not hers.

But she can't see where he's bleeding – it's too dark - or how deep the wound is; in fact she can't do anything but hold him tight.

_We're going to be okay, Castle. We always are._

Her words linger in her ears as if she just said them. So does the expression of his eyes in her mind.

These eyes, as blue as ice, afraid but trusting, haunted her for the last hours; followed her into her dreams.

And those dreams aren't pleasant, because as soon as she drifts off, she hears the gunshot again, sees his piercing eyes, hears him whisper:

_Hold on, Kate. Don't let me go. _

Kate holds on as tight as she can, but she can't do anything to keep him with her and so he dies, again and again and again.

When she manages to break through this vicious circle and finally wakes up, she's disorientated at first; not knowing if her subconsciousness is just confusing reality with worst case scenario.

It always takes her a few seconds to realize that she didn't see Lanie or the morgue-mobile when she made it out of the house.

Which means that, if she's still here, so is Castle. Kate knows that Ryan and Esposito were busy taking the Dragon down and her knees would've let her known by now if she tried to crawl out of the house.

No, she's sure she didn't crawl. Someone, _Castle_, sustained her to get her out.

Besides, this sheets she's still clutching? They are the ones in his guestroom. She wouldn't be here if he'd be dead, right?

While her head gives her convincing reasons that Castle is alright, her heart needs her to see it.

Despite the aching of bruised bones and itching scars, she stands up and slowly makes her way down into his study. It takes her three times as long as usual and she needs the support of the banisters, but it'll be worth it all.

Kate hears the faint typing of his fingers on the keyboard long before she sees him.

But once she can see him in his chair, typing away on his laptop, it's like a heavy burden is lifted off of her and she sinks against his door frame.

He is here.

Sure, he's injured but the bullet meant for his heart only grazed his arm.

He's still here.

Kate knows that Castle is aware of her presence, he always is, but he's not destroying the comfortable silence that surrounds them. And that's good.

Also knowing that her legs won't support her weight any longer, she makes her way over to the chair standing across from his desk.

Taking him in, watching him write brings her a moment of peace she wasn't able to find for the last hours. While resting in it, Kate knows that those moments aren't enough any more.

She wants it all. And finally, finally, she can reach out to it; to _Always._

The Dragon won't go after her and this wall inside her is torn; has been for months now.

It's time to embrace life, to stop hurting and start healing. Looking at Castle she silently promises him and herself: _No more strife in this life 'cause I've been blessed with it._ _It's time to let in the day after a dark night._

* * *

><p>Castle looks up a while later, taking her in. For a moment, exhausted blue eyes meet equally fatigued hazel ones and he knows that the nightmares haunting him, making him write and delete chapter after chapter of Nikkis' next adventure, are also the ones that keep her awake.<p>

"You're right: The staring-thing _is _creepy.", he eventually says and shuts his laptop.

"I just finally understand why you like watching me doing paperwork. It's the same reason why I like to see you writing."

He smiles, comes around his desk and holds a hand out to her.

"Come on, Kate. It's too early to be up yet."

She doesn't question him when he lets her into his bedroom. Today there is no need to explain anything at all. Today is just about being together. When she feels him invading her personal space, Kate turns around and faces him; her hands laying on his chest feeling the beating of his heart. He's here, alive, with her. His fingers skim over her skin and wipe away tears she's not aware of crying.

"Schht, Kate. It's okay. I'm here. You're here. We're not done dying. We're both still here."


	7. Titanium

**Author's Note: This one was inspired by "Titanium" by David Guetta and Sia. **

* * *

><p><strong>Titanium<strong>

Everyone is bustling; following leads, taking suspects into the box or doing paperwork.

And amongst all the organized chaos is Kate, completely still.

She stands in the middle of the bull pen, watching people moving around her and not seeing them at all.

Her thoughts go thousand miles a minute, but they all end in the same way, namely that she wishes she could go back in time and prevent herself from being stupid.

Or better yet, prevent herself from switching free days with Karpowski, because _then_ she wouldn't have caught the damn case.

It's the one case she needs to solve for her sake, but also the one case that has the power to drive her and Castle apart.

And because of that, she hates it.

Up until the morning the body dropped, they were fine.

Castle finally showed up at the precinct again, not with some blonde bimbo on his arm but with a coffee that wasn't a bribe; just his silent way of saying _I love you._ Slaughter was history and they got finally back on track.

Or so Kate thought, but then the body dropped.

A body with similar wounds to the ones her mother had when she was stabbed in that godforsaken alley.

She was highly alerted by the time the evidence started to mount and strongly pointed in the direction of her mother's murder. Someone wanted to have Kate's attention and they got it.

But they also got Castle's.

And while his partner and the boys spun theory after theory – some so crazy that even he wouldn't have come up with them - the writer quieted.

Kate soon noticed that something was off and when the boys made a coffee-break she asked him what was wrong.

Castle sighed. It was time for the truth he had kept too long.

And so he said: "Kate... The person responsible for this killing is the same one who ordered Dick Coonan to murder your mother."

He said it in a quiet voice, but to her it felt like he shouted it out. Castle then tried to explain the murder board he set up after her shooting, but she couldn't hear a word he said.

For all she knew, he had done it again. He made her stop trying to solve her mom's case while he was investigating it. How could he do that to her? He of all people should know what this case still meant to her.

By the time she finally found her voice and said: "Stop explaining. Just give me a name.", she couldn't see that he did what he did in order to keep her save.

"And then you'll do what? Run straight at him and gun him down? No, Kate, I won't let you do that. You're too close to this."

His response pushed her over the edge and she got at least as angry as she was when he first touched her mom's case.

"Castle, this guy wanted me dead 214 days ago! Since that day I've been nothing but miserable. But you know what? I haven't been great for the 4873 days between my mother's murder and Montgomery's funeral! So yes, I'm too close to this. But this guy stole the last 5087 potential happy days of my life. And I'm not willing to let him take one more day away from me. You of all people should understand that. But apparently you don't, because you kept information from me."

"I did it, because-"

"I don't care _why_ you did it! You're a writer, Castle, you didn't sign up for probably getting killed by solving this case! But I did the day I got into the academy. You shouldn't have kept it a secret. It's not what partners do."

He laughed, scornful. "Yeah, well, then you probably should've told _me_ that you remembered the entire time and not some _suspect_ in the box! Did you ever plan on telling me or did you want me to follow you around like a puppy until I finally got that you were never going to love me back?"

The whole precinct held its breath, waiting for Kate to answer.

But she just stared at Castle, confused and angry.

He nodded after a while. "I see.", he said and turned around, heading for the elevator.

"Where are you going?", she nearly screamed as she found her voice again for the second time that day.

He looked back at her. "Partners don't keep secrets, Kate? Then I suppose we're not partners any longer."

And while she watched him leave, everyone around her started pretending to be busy.

Ryan and Esposito arrived soon after he left and found her still standing and staring, wishing she could go back in time and do something, _everything_, in a different way.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Kate finds an envelope on her desk. It hasn't a sender, but she knows it is from Castle. And sure enough, she finds copies of old documents, photos and a name.<p>

It's not enough evidence to put the Dragon down, but Kate wants to give it a shot anyway.

When Ryan and Esposito come in and find out what she knows and why Castle left yesterday, they criticize her and try to stop her before she can get herself killed, but all their verbal bullets ricochet.

She has already made up her mind; did that 13 years ago. Now the time has finally come to jump into action.

* * *

><p>After she put up her own murder board in the precinct, she sits on her desk and stares at a stand-still of the Dragon.<p>

Her thoughts are circling around him. He took his aim and shot her down, twice. Once, by murdering her mother and the other time by sending a sniper to kill her. But she got up both times.

Whatever the Dragon plans on firing her way this time, it'll ricochet.

Because now she'll take her aim. She only needs a bulletproof plan.

* * *

><p>Somewhere across town the man Kate came to refer to as "the Dragon" sits in front of a screen and watches her. He has is eyes and ears everywhere in New York City, but she is always watched closely by him. The Dragon is powerful, and he literally went over dead bodies to gain this power, but he likes to think that he's not a bad person.<p>

He just does what he has to do to stay under the radar.

It's a pity he had to order Coonan to take Johanna Beckett's life, but what else could he have done?

He also didn't want to hire a sniper to shoot her daughter down, but well, she asked for it by poking her nose in things better left untouched.

But Kate Beckett survived and for that, she got his respect. He had hardly ever seen a person so strong and passionate and that got his attention. So instead of just sending another killer, he took her under personal surveillance. She backed down from her mother's case, but he knew instantly that she was just waiting for new clues.

The Dragon often spends hours in front of his screen just watching the beautiful detective and that hyperactive writer who likes to play cop.

They are an unorthodox pair, those two. Watching them interact he often feels like he got sucked into a soap opera.

But they clearly work well together and he has to admit that he underestimated WriterBoy.

That guy's smart, making all the connections and probably giving Beckett enough evidence to cut him down.

Only when he watches the partnership end, the Dragon thinks that in the end it's Kate who has further to fall.

It's a shame, she and the writer would've been great. At least this fall-out made things interesting. The Dragon never thought Castle would give in and send her in harm's way, but he did. Now the Dragon could've stopped her the minute she got that envelope. But he had always been a player and this game is to good to be stopped now.

He just needs to know how it's going to end.

So he lets her corner him in his own house the same evening.

* * *

><p>The Dragon doesn't seem the least surprised when she kicks his door down and points her gun at him. It's more like he's already waiting for her. He probably has an ace up his sleeve, but she's bulletproof. And it's not like she did come without back-up. So even if he shoots her down, she won't fall alone because 30.000 of New York's Finest will make it their daily duty to make his life a living hell. He can fire away all he wants.<p>

But he doesn't seem to want it all.

The Dragon just smiles at her and if he wasn't the one who ordered to murder her mother, she would've even liked the smile.

"Kate.", he greets her, "So we finally meet, huh? I must say, that writer of yours did you justice in his books. To bad that you let him go, because now he won't come and save you. But actually, I don't want to kill you. I'd rather make a deal. You put that gun down and we'll both walk out of this unharmed."

Words she said to Castle two years ago echo in her mind: _And some day soon I'm gonna find the sons of bitches who had him kill her. And I'd like you around when I do._

She found that son of a bitch with his help. But she lost him for good and in a way, she's glad because he's safe now; will never find himself in harm's way again because of her.

With Castle, everybody she loved enough to stay out of the very same way is gone; just the two of them are left standing.

"I have nothing to lose", Kate eventually says and slightly raises her weapon, "The question is: Do you?"


	8. Love How It Hurts

**Author's Note: Song is by Scouting For Girls, called "Love How It Hurts". Listing to the lyrics, parts of it got me thinking about Caskett. Quote is by Castle, from the end of "Headhunters"**

* * *

><p>"<em>I guess the question is... do you want it badly enough to get over being hurt?"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Love How It Hurts<strong>

After exterminating a lot of ice cream with his daughter -and after said daughter calls it a night – and pouring himself even more scotch, Castle finds himself sitting on the couch in his living room again.  
>But even with all the scotch in his system, the question he asked Alexis won't get out of his head.<br>_"Do you want it badly enough to get over being hurt?"_

Does he still want this mysterious, sexy, funny and smart woman that is Kate Beckett in his life even though she'll probably never love him back?

When he thinks about his feelings for her, then he has to admit that he has been waiting all his life for someone like her to come mess with his mind.

Because that's what she did back when they first met. She had already messed with his head then; had him so smitten that he needed to come back not only for Nikki Heat but also because he liked the feeling he got around her, even when all she did was torturing his ear.

He once told her she was her mystery he would never solve, and he still thinks so, but the least he wanted to figure out was if she could be the one person crazy enough to love him just the way he loved her. And for a long time, he really thought she was that someone.

He was willing to wait for her, after her shooting; after saying those three little words.

_I love you._

On the cemetery, when she was laying on the grass, dying in his arms, it hit him hard that all he got was words. He could protect Nikki with them, but not the person who inspired her.

Still, he gave her those three little words, hoping she'd draw enough strength from them to come back to him.

And she did, she came back. Since then, every time he handed her a coffee and brushed her fingers it was a silent plea. _Tell me you noticed, Kate._

Every gaze he sent her way seemed to ask: _Tell me you heard?_

But she just shook her head. _No, Castle, I don't remember._

She kept telling him that until the day the bomb exploded. It only took her a few minutes in the box with a suspect to say what she couldn't tell him in the last 7 months.

_I remember every second of it!_

The way she spat those words into the suspect's face hurt so damn much, because he just couldn't understand.

On the way out of the precinct it started to sink in slowly and he understood. She didn't love him and was too embarrassed to tell him.

And he embraced the pain,even loved how it hurt because it meant he would move on some day.

Everyday he kept trying to move on, searching for someone to replace Kate; trying to fix all the bits she wrecked over the time.

He got back into old patterns – moping around in his underwear, flying to Vegas (and losing a few hundred bucks), parading around with blonde bimbos and shoving them into Beckett's face just because he could.

But it didn't get better. In fact, it got only worse and the more they drifted apart, the more it hurt.

All he can do now is waiting for the hurt to fade, for his heart to mend, before he'll let her break it again and again.

Because thinking about her, all he knows is that he still loves her.

Always has.

Always will.

* * *

><p>Kate sits at her desk in the precinct, staring at his empty chair. It's way after midnight, but she somehow can't bring herself to go home.<p>

All she can do is staring at his chair, thinking about him.

She'd been losing her mind the day he went off with Slaughter, pretending that it was fine, that she didn't care; desperately trying to keep it together while she crumbled inside.

But even if he despised her, for all she knew they where still partners. And partners don't leave each other hanging. So he got a friend at the end of the line, one who hadn't a way with words but whose actions spoke for themselves.

She just hoped he understood the silent language.

Once upon a time she would've said he could read her like a book and notice every change in her behavior. Maybe she'd even say that they were finally at the same page of their story, but lately... lately he was pulling away and she didn't know what was wrong. She just knew that apparently, it was her fault and she had to correct it. All she needed from him was a moment, a chance to say those three little sentences she needed him to hear so badly.

_I heard you._

_I'm getting better._

_Wait for me._

Because she knew that they could last, once they got over her past and his hurting.

She just needs him to come back to her, so she can finally show him that she'll keep her promise of _Always. _

Kate sighs and lays her head on the table.

She loves him so much it often hurts, and sometimes she hates it, especially when this love speaks up in times she really doesn't need it. But reflecting on yesterday's events, she thinks that today it's the most beautiful pain in the world.

Thanks to it they're slowly getting back to being friends for now, maybe more in the future. Who knows yet?

Propping her feet up his chair and getting comfortable in her own, Kate thinks that this ain't the end of her journey. It's just put on hold for a while and she's content in waiting here until she sees him again, so they can continue it together.


	9. Total Eclipse Of The Heart

**Author's Note: So, this was mostly inspired by Kate's PTSD Moment in her apartment in Kill Shot. And by Bonnie Tyler's "A Total Eclipse Of The Heart".**

**The quote is from "For Lovers Only", said by Yves. Seriously, that movie is so beautiful. And Stana is just great in it, as always.**

* * *

><p>„<em>I'm a wreck. This is what you get."<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Total Eclipse Of The Heart<strong>

Sometimes, especially after a rough case, Kate gets a little bit restless, even in her sleep.

Then she tends to dream of something wild; usually about her shooting.

It got better, though, after that sniper case she caught a few months back.

But tonight, she's giving her speech at Montgomery's funeral again, knowing she's going to get shot any second and she wants to run, but she can't, she's frozen on her spot. And then she feels the bullet ripping her skin apart, making her gasp for air. Castle pushes her onto the ground, trying to stop the blood that's leaking out of her body, pleading with her.

_Kate, stay with me, okay? Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?_

_I love you. I love you, Kate._

And she wants to stay, she really does... but the world goes black.

In her dream, she dies, just like she did all those months ago, but when she wakes up this time, she's not in the hospital surrounded by machines.

She's in Castle's loft, guest bedroom.

Why is she... oh, right. It got late while they were working on that damn case. A psychopath running around New York, killing cops she knew personally, causing her stupid PTSD to act up.

Causing her to fall apart, after she has just put herself together and – what was that?

The loud noise, too close to her window, too much sounding like a gun?

She's alert, listing into the silence. Are they out to get her now?

When her ears register the noise again, she's out of the bed, pressing herself into a corner as far from the windows as possible, weapon drawn.

Her breathing is fast, shallow and it takes her a few minutes to put her gun down .

Stupid PTSD, she thinks, getting angry with it, with her, with those damn tears which started to fall some time ago.

Kate reaches up and furiously wipes them away, having long since grown tired of listening to the their sound.

Sitting in her corner, willing her tears to stop, she finds the room is suddenly to big for her; she feels

lost and lonely in it. It happened before, it happens every now and then in her apartment, always ending the same way, namely with her wishing that Castle would just show up out of nowhere.

She has long since found out that his love is like a protecting shadow on her all of the time. Something she can crawl into and hide until the storm is gone.

Sadly, he's never coming around anymore – she made sure of that by leaving him over the summer.

But now it's late fall, almost winter, and therefore the one season that always brings them back together and closer every year. But she can't depend on fall working its magic on its own, she needs to help a little. Because tonight, she needs him more than ever.

So she abandons her corner and makes her way down the stairs, aware of every noise coming from outside.

Kate makes it into his bedroom without any kind of panic attack. For a moment, she watches him sleep. He looks so peaceful and she almost doesn't want to wake him up.

Currently, they're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks, and she really doesn't know if waking him for such a selfish reason like her being on edge and feeling lonely will do them any good.

But she also knows that, if anyone aside from her therapist can understand her it's him.

On their better days, he can read her like a book and even if they drifted apart the last weeks, deep down she knows that somehow they'll hold onto each other forever. She wants to believe so badly that whatever happens, they'll only be making it right, because together, they'll never be wrong.

With him, Kate likes to think that she can take it to the end of the line.

"Castle.", she whispers, her voice hoarse. He just grunts and turns onto his back.

"Rick!", she says, louder, this time triggering a reaction.

"Kate?", he mumbles, sleepy, while blinking and slowly sitting up, "Something wrong?"

She doesn't answer right away, but the moonlight shines onto her face and once his eyes adjust to the dim light he sees that she's been crying not so long ago.

Outside, something is crashing, causing Kate to drop onto the floor in instinctive search of a place to hide.

Castle is immediately alert. He has seen her doing this before, when that sniper case had her on edge. Her PTSD is acting up again. She never told him about it, but the signs were there and he's done his research. He knows from the past experience that a full blown panic attack isn't far and he also knows that the best he can do is to leave her alone – but she came. She came because she needed him tonight.

So he leaves his bed, slowly, not wanting to startle her again and crouches down in front of her.

"Schht, Kate. It's okay. You're save here."

"No, Castle, they're out to get me!"

"No one is out there to get you." At least as long as she doesn't touch her mother's case.

"Why me? What did I do? Why is somebody trying to kill me, Castle?"

He reaches for her hands, squeezing them, looking into her eyes until they stop scanning the room for the people she thinks are there to get her and focuses on him. Then he says: "Kate. Nothing will happen as long as you're here in this loft, okay? You're safe tonight. As long as you're with me, you'll always be safe. I'm your partner. I have your back." He lets go of her hands, giving her space, except this time, she doesn't want it. Like Alexis when she was younger and had a nightmare, Kate reaches for him and presses her face into his neck. He feels her tears burning hot on his skin.

"I trust you.", she eventually murmurs and doesn't protest when he picks her up and carries her to the bed. Like a child, she lays in his arms, clinging onto him for dear life letting him sooth her by dragging his fingers through her hair and whispering into her ear.

"It's okay to get a little bit helpless every now and then. ", he says.

"I'm done being helpless, Castle, I just... I don't know what to do against it. It feels like I'm always in the dark.", she answers and shifts so she can look up at him.

Once upon a time she fell in love with this man who'd get her the moon (or at least a property next to his on it) if she was asking for it. And all he wanted was to be loved by her... but all she can do is to love him in the dark, because she's a train wreck, damaged beyond repair. Something he doesn't deserve because he's worth so much more.

"I'm falling apart, Rick. And there's nothing I can do to prevent it."

"How can I help?"

Kate is silent for a moment. But knowing they won't speak about any of this in the morning, because they never do, she finally admits: "You're helping right now. You may not prevent me from falling apart, but you slow me down, because you're here. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by while I was hiding in my mother's case. But since you've been around I think they only just begun. Still, I get a little bit terrified sometimes but then I see this look in your eyes telling me that there will be a day when I'm nothing but fine. See, you're helping me every single day because you still have faith in me."

He responses by drawing her closer, if that is even possible, and drops a kiss on the top of her head.

And even if right now it feels like a total eclipse of her heart, Kate somehow get's the feeling that forever is starting tonight, especially as he whispers "Always." into the dark.


	10. Painkillers

**Painkillers**

The bed underneath her is comfortable and pillowy and... not hers.

Kate jerks awake immediately,whimpering, when sharp pain rushes through her shoulder and blinks tears away.

Once the pain gets back to being just a constant throbbing ache, she takes the bedroom in.

Nope, definitely not hers.

In fact, she's never been in here before. What the hell...?

"Good morning, Detective!" The door opens and Castle comes in with a tray, being his usual chipper self. Well, at least now she knows whose bedroom it is.

"Good morning?"

He puts the tray down onto her legs, asking: "Do you remember yesterday's events?"

_Yesterday's Events?_ What's that supposed to mean? She wrecks her brain, trying to come up with an answer – but everything is in a blur.

He keeps watching her, while sitting down onto the bed.

His bed. She's in _his bed_. Oh God, they didn't …? No, they didn't. She's wearing clothes.

Oh, those are his clothes as well...

"No? Castle, did we...?"

"What? Oh, no. No. You wound me, Detective. I _can_ behave, if I need to. Okay – do you remember your day in the precinct?"

Kate narrows her eyes.

"I remember … that there was no coffee on my desk when I came in. You were … not there yesterday. I was doing paperwork and... we caught a case. I was doing interviews and then... I think my shoulder got introduced to a suspect's knife."

Castle nods. "You got stabbed."

**Several hours earlier...**

_The meeting with Gina and Black Pawn is flat-out boring, so Castle is almost relieved when Ryan calls._

_That is, until he hears the detective's news:_

"_Castle. Beckett's in the hospital. She got stabbed."_

_The pictures of her mom, laying lifeless in an alley come to his mind. This time, though, it's not Johanna in that alley; it's Kate._

_He shuts his phone and says something about "emergency" and "life-or-death-situation" and "Kate" before he's out of the door on his way to the hospital._

_Esposito and Ryan are already waiting for him ,when he rushes down the hospital floor._

"_Where is she? Will she be okay? Does she-?"_

_Esposito lays a hand on his shoulder, saying: "Yo, man, relax. Beckett's okay. Looked worse than it was."_

"_Just a few stitches to the shoulder, Castle.", her soft voice says behind him and he turns around._

_Kate's there, save and sound, just a little pale. Under a shirt which looks suspiciously like one of Lanies, he can see the molding of a bandage. _

"_You shouldn't have left your meeting."_

_Rick shrugs. "We're partners, Kate. Besides, Gina is always trying to bite of my head. Now she has at least a reason. And that meeting was just flat-out boring."_

_A doctor approaches them. "Ms. Beckett.",he smiles, "You're free to go under the condition that someone stays with you tonight."_

"_I-"_

"_She's going to stay with me.", Castle jumps in. Before Kate can protest, the doctor hands him some medicine he needs to give her and wanders off._

_The four of them make their way out of the hospital, before Ryan and Esposito say their good-byes._

_While the detective and her writer go over to his Ferrari, Kate says: "Seriously, you don't _

_need to baby-sit me. Just drop me off at Lanie's."_

"_This is what partners do.", he reminds her, "Having each other's back, always."_

_She sinks further into the seat. "You're just using me to escape your meeting, aren't you?"_

"_...That, too." And because he needs those pictures to vanish from his mind; needs to know that she's save tonight._

"_Fine.", she agrees; not that she really had a say in it to begin with, "But just so you know: This is me warning you. When I am on painkillers, I'm not really myself. I tend to do strange things."_

"_Well, then you're in the best of all companies."_

"_Yeah? Tell me, Castle, the last time you were on painkillers – did you call your training officer, asking him if he wanted to sleep with you?"_

"_You... seriously? You called Royce up, asking..."_

"_Yeah, well. Let's just say that case involving a karaoke stakeout wasn't the last embarrassing experience I made while being partners with Royce."_

"_Kate Beckett." , he said, while navigating through the traffic, "There's a lot more of Nikki Heat to you than I thought."_

* * *

><p>"By the way, you never told me what happened on that karaoke stakeout..."<p>

"And I won't, Castle, because then I'd have to kill you and make Lanie hide your body. What happened then?"

"I promised you to disconnect the phone and keep you away from your cell, so you wouldn't repeat that performance."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p><em>Once they reach the loft, it's time for her to take the medicine.<em>

_For a moment, she holds the pills in one hand, a glass of water in the other and looks thoroughly at them, before she says: "Castle- what ever I'm going to say or do in the next hours... don't take it seriously, okay?"_

_He nods and she swallows the pills. _

_While he prepares something to eat, she sits back and watches him._

"_Where's your family, anyway?", she asks at one point._

"_Alexis is out with some friends and Mother... well, she's probably doing something I don't need to know. They'll be back around noon tomorrow."_

_He sets a plate down in front of her, before he sits as well._

_She tells him about today's case and he's in the middle of spinning a theory when he realizes that she has zoomed out._

"_Kate?"_

"_Huh?"_

"_You're okay?"_

"_Yeah..." She giggles. He has never heard her giggle before. _

"_They gave you the good stuff, then."_

"_Oh, yeah..."_

_After they finish eating, Kate wanders around the loft, seemingly aimless. _

_She only stops when she finds the guitar, hidden in a corner and long forgotten._

_She drops onto the ground, right where she is and grabs it._

_It takes her a while to attune it, put finally it sounds like she wants it to._

_Kate starts to play softly, accompanying herself while she sings._

_She really has a beautiful voice; Castle thinks, listening._

_That's when his cell phone vibrates in his pocket. He steps away from her, answering._

_It's Esposito, wanting to know how she is._

_Castle smirks. "Currently, she's happy on drugs. You hear her?"_

_He holds the cell into her direction, so that Esposito can hear her. Just then she looks up. _

"_That Esposito?" she asks and as he nods, she stands up and grabs his phone._

"_Hey Espo. Is Ryan around, too? 'Cause I gotta tell the two of you something."_

_In the precinct, Esposito mentions for Ryan to come over, before he puts her on speaker._

"_Hey, Beckett.", Ryan says and Esposito asks: "So what did you want to tell us?"_

"_Just that I looooove both of you."_

* * *

><p>"CASTLE!", Kate shrieks, "I thought you promised to keep me away from the phone!"<p>

"Technically, I just promised to disconnect the phone in the loft, which I did, and to keep you away from _your_ phone. We never spoke about mine."

"I really told them I loved them?"

"To the moon and back."

"I'm never going to live that one down, am I?"

* * *

><p><em>After she declared her undying love for her boys, Castle takes her to his study, because he needs to finish that chapter; otherwise Gina <em>will_ kill him._

_Just, Kate's not really interested in his study once she found the door to his bedroom. For a while, he hears her shuffling around, probably touching and moving little things. He lets her be. That is, until she goes suspiciously quiet._

_So he follows her and catches her off guard going through his wardrobe._

"_Who's snooping now?"_

"_Usually, you. I'm investigating."_

"_Ah. You're investigating my wardrobe."_

"_Yes. For a guy, you really have a huge one." She grabs something out of it and only, when she sheds her shirt; struggling because of her shoulder, he has the sense to turn around._

"_What are you doing?" Stupid question, since she's obviously changing in front of him. But really, he didn't see that coming, so his brain's still slow while it tries to get that his eyes have seen Kate Beckett almost naked._

"_Changing into more comfortable clothes. Mine are itchy and smell like hospital."_

_When he turns around again, she's wearing his sweatpants and also one of his pullovers, in which she seems to drown._

_Still, she has never looked more beautiful to him._

_Kate holds a white shirt saying "writer" up; a silent question._

"_Oh, that.", he says, "Came with the vest. You can have that, if you want to. I'm never wearing it anyway."_

_She just smiles her secret smile and asks: "Do you have a textile pen, by any chance?"_

_He leads her back into his study and hands her one._

_While he writes, she sits on the floor, occupying herself with the T-shirt._

"_Finished!", she exclaims, after putting it on (this time, he knew what was coming and looked away before she possibly got the chance to catch him staring at her)._

_Now, the shirt isn't saying "writer" anymore but "one-writer-girl". Oh, Kate. _

* * *

><p>Oh, well. That certainly explains why she's wearing his clothes.<p>

"And then?"

"Then you took interest in my bookshelf."

* * *

><p><em>He's looking over a chapter he wrote recently, when he hears her reading in Russian from her place next to his bookshelf. <em>

_He had always been _dying_ to hear her say something in Russian since he knew she could speak it and now she's translating _Heat Wave.

_And it sounds. Sexy. As. Hell._

_She gently closes the book – to soon, if anyone would be asking him – and puts it back into its usual spot._

"_I like her, you know? Nikki Heat. Even though it's still a stripper name." _

"_I know you do. After all, you subscribed to my website. Which reminds me – are you _Castlefreak1212?Castlelover45?_ Or, wait – you're _Fangirl#1_, right?"_

_And there it is again, her Mona-Lisa-smile._

"_Sooo many layers to the Beckett-onion, Castle."_

"_Oh, c'mon – give me a clue?"_

"_And spoil the fun? No, we wouldn't want that, would we?"_

_If it wasn't a bit unmanly, he'd be pouting now._

_Her attention shifts back to his bookshelf. She slowly traces the letters of _ Flowers For Your Grave._ "I found your books right after my mom died. Without them I probably would've spun down that rabbit hole even more."_

* * *

><p>"Then you said you even went to one of my book-signings once."<p>

"I did, in fact. Years ago, when I was still dating Will. You probably don't remember me. Anyway – what happened next?"

* * *

><p><em>Suddenly the bell rings, startling them both. Castle raises his eyebrows in confusion. Who would - <em>

_His gaze wanders over to the calendar. It's the 16__th__ . Oh. Poker-night with the other writers...he knew he had forgotten something._

_Kate follows, curious, as he goes to open the door._

_And sure enough, here they are: James Patterson, Dennis Lehane and Michael Connelly._

"_Hey, Ricky.", Patterson says as soon as he sees Kate, "You should've said that you had company."_

_The detective just stares at the three other writers, either starstruck or about to embrace a new episode of "Kate in wonderland"due to some hallucinations._

"_Yeah, well.", Castle says, ruffling his hair, "That was kinda unexpected. Anyway – James, Dennis, Michael, this is Kate Beckett, my muse- OW!" She's twisting his ear. "APPLES! Apples!"_

"_Do not call me your muse.", she growls, letting go of his ear, which is bright red now._

"_Damn, woman, for someone happy on painkillers you sure as hell are violent."_

"_So – you're the inspiration for Nikki Heat?", Lehane asks and Kate nods, while Connelly whispers to Castle: "You got yourself one hell of a muse, Rick. She always that kick-ass?"_

"_Hey, Ricky", Patterson interferes, "You think I can whisk her away?"_

_But before he can say anything, Kate laces her arm through his and presses herself into his side._

"_I'm sorry.", she answers, "But I'm a one-writer-girl. Besides – who keeps him grounded when I'm not around?"_

_The other writers laugh and then the group goes and sets the poker table up._

_Once the game starts, Kate is close to sitting in his lap, almost pressed flush against his side,; her head on his shoulder, making it hard for him to concentrate._

_She's obviously not playing, just watching. Every once in a while, when he hesitates, she -based on her observations of the other players – tells him to either risk it or not. She's his lucky charm, so it's not surprising that he wins round after round._

_Somewhere along the line, the painkillers get the better of her and despite her struggling to stay awake, her head gets heavy on his shoulder as she starts to pass out._

"_Someone's tired.", he says softly, picks her up and carries her into his bed room. _

* * *

><p>"That's it?"<p>

"That's it."

Except it isn't.

* * *

><p><em>Once he made her comfortable, he wants to leave the room but Kate, as tired as she is, catches his arm. <em>

"_Rick?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Love you." He stares blankly at her. Did she just say what he thought she did or is his brain playing tricks on him? _

_Kate yawns sleepy, before she ads as an afterthought: "As a partner."_

* * *

><p>But he's not going to confront her with that.<p>

After all, she said to not take her seriously under the influence of painkillers.

Still, he likes to believe that a tiny part of her _does_ love him.

Even if it's just as a partner.

For now.


	11. Somebody That I Used To Know

**Author's Note: This was inspired by "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye ft. Kimbra AND a dialogue between Martha and Rick from a sneak peek of "Undead Again" - it's the same dialogue I used below this little text. So BE WARNED - this is a bit SPOILER-ISH but otherwise hopefully completely AU.**

* * *

><p><strong>Somebody That I Used To Know<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>But quite honestly, the two of you can not go on like this." <em>

"_You know what, Mother? You're absolutely right."_

"_Where are you going?"_

"_To a crime scene with my last case with Detective Beckett."  
><em>

* * *

><p>Kate passes the break-room when she hears his voice for the first time in months.<p>

For a moment, she thinks he's there, that maybe he did come back after all.

But no, he's not there, at least not physically.

Some of the other cops are just watching a late night show, where Castle happens to be a guest.

Usually, she would just spare herself the pain, turn around and go back to her desk. But not tonight.

Tonight, she leans onto the door frame and takes his appearance in.

He looks handsome, like always. His smile is brighter, his eyes sparkle more then the last time she saw him. Or maybe she just compares him to herself. Because she hasn't smiled in a long time; her eyes have lost their sparkle. An air of sadness is always surrounding her now.

When was the last time she had _not _been resigned?

Oh, right – the zombie-case. Before he had ended their partnership.

Back then, he said they would still be friends, but well... he hadn't bothered to visit her since then.

"_... of course, leaving wasn't easy and I still miss the people from the 12th, but at the end I'm somewhat glad I left because now I've got time for new projects on my hands."_

The camera focuses on the presenter then, and Kate hears him saying: _"So, how's your old partner? Have you seen Detective Beckett lately?"_

Castle negates and Kate huffs, knowing that _that _is a lie.

They may haven't spoken to each other, but that doesn't mean that they didn't meet.

In fact, they did last week – he just decided to act like a four-years-lasting partnership was nothing.

Like she was just another face among so many in the bookstore where he read a part of _Frozen Heat_, not the one person that inspired him to create such a well beloved heroine.

Hadn't he punished her enough by either letting her calls go straight to voice mail or to pick up just to say he was "too busy to talk right now"?

Did he have to treat her like a stranger?

She has her flaws and she told him time and time again that she's probably the least perfect person in the world, but he still put her on a pedestal. Called her _extraordinary. _

Made her believe she found her one and done. And let her fall.

_What happened, Castle?_, she so badly wants to ask, _What made you stop waiting?_  
>But he never gives her a chance to ask. Never gives her a chance to explain.<p>

Slowly but surely, she feels getting tired of waiting.

But moving on is hard, so hard.

Sometimes she lays wide awake at night, trying to imagine a future without him.

Then she sees a little girl, her daughter, rummaging through her desk. The girl; her name will be Johanna in honor of her mother, will have her investigation skills and so she'll find the photo that lays face down in the drawer.

"Mom.", Johanna will say, pointing at Castle, "Who's that?" And Kate will look at the picture of them, sitting on a set of swings; a happy moment captured forever.

Kate won't tell her that this is the man who wrote the books of which she takes one every night to bed with her; seeking them between the pages.

Johanna will never know that this man – her mother's best friend and partner – saved Kate so many times she stopped counting.

Kate will also never tell her daughter, that she once thought he would be her one and done or that she wishes he would be Johanna's father.

No, she'll look at the picture and say: "Just somebody that I used to know."

But then Johanna always looks up and Kate sees the same blue eyes that followed her every move for four years in the precinct. As long as the girl in her mind looks like the picture perfect mix of them, Kate knows she can't let go of Castle.

* * *

><p>Across the city, the presenter of the late night show Kate is still half watching says his good byes to Castle. The author is only half listening.<p>

He's still thinking about the question he got asked earlier: Why did he leave the precinct?

The official reason is because he has new, not Nikki-Heat-related projects.

But the true reason is his real-life heroine. Kate has been his reason for many years now, so it's somehow fitting that he left because of her.

For a while, he was fine waiting for her because he really thought they had a chance. But then he heard her confession in the box... which made him realize that he didn't want to live that way anymore.

He was tired of reading into every word she said; tired of waiting for her to break her wall down because obviously that would never gonna happen.

So he tries to move on. And maybe one day, when Alexis has kids of her own, he'll succeed.

Sometimes, he imagines entering the kitchen of his house in the Hamptons on a sunny Saturday morning.

Alexis will be there, her little son sitting on her lap, reading the paper.

She'll smile and say: "Dad! Kate caught the Dragon!"

Rick will also smile, because that's what his detective wanted all along, right?

Alexis' son will be confused. "Who's Kate?", he'll ask.

Castle won't tell him that once upon a time, Kate was his best friend and partner.

He will not admit that he once told himself she were the right one for him; the only one.

Alexis' son will never know how real the love story of his grandpa's most beloved characters Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook was.

Rick will never tell anyone that loving her was an ache he'll remember for the rest of his life.

No, he'll say: "Just somebody that I used to know."


	12. Halo

**Author's Note: Okay, first off - thanks to all of you who've actually read the stories so far and took time to review!  
>Secondly, the song which inspired this - "Halo" - is from Haley James Scott.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Halo<strong>

Kate Beckett would never describe herself as extraordinary. If you'd ask her, she'd just say that she's a cop among many others, speaking for those who lost her voice. Caring, yeah, she'd probably go with that, strong perhaps and protecting. And a one-writer-girl, that she'd also add.

But according to her partner, her writer, she's extraordinary.

Extraordinary enough to base the heroine of his next set of novels on her. Sometimes she thinks that Castle confuses reality with fiction, which leads him to put her on a pedestal, because in both worlds, she's always his heroine. And soon her pedestal gets so high that she can't see the ground below.

In order to not fall down, she tries to life up to the extraordinary heroine she's in his mind.  
>But Kate Beckett is not – and will never be – Nikki Heat. This is something she learns rather soon. She tries to make him see that he got her wrong; that she, like every other human being, has her flaws so that he can pull her down from the pedestal. She definitely doesn't belong there.<p>

But clearly she has to wear a halo or something every time he looks at her, because for almost four years, he calls her extraordinary.

Then from one minute to the other, when they are in the box talking to their suspect, he seems to see what she told him all along because he breaks her pedestal and she falls down. But she doesn't hit the ground until days later, when Castle shows up with a blonde bimbo, seemingly ignoring her.

Kate, never wanting to grow fond of being called extraordinary but doing it nonetheless, is confused.

Why are his eyes always so accusing when he happens to look her way now? Like he finally sees that _extraordinary_ isn't a word to describe her?

She often wants to reach out and say: _I'm trying, Rick. I want to be the extraordinary woman you see in me. Just wait a little longer._

They had a deal, after all, or so she thought. While she would be working on breaking that stupid wall down, he'd be waiting for her.

She never said it would be easy. It would take time to even loose the bricks. And she never promised there'd be sunshine everyday, once it was starting to come down.

She let him know that, even though she would try to avoid it, she'd make mistakes in the process.

Mistakes that could possibly break them.

But she also thought he knew that she'd always gave him everything she had.

Mostly, "everything" were the bad things, but some really good ones were also far and few in between.

She hoped they would outweigh all the bad in the end... but apparently that had only been wishful thinking.

So while Kate's struggling nearly every day to get her life back on track and simultaneously trying to find a way to let him know that all she wants to do for the rest of their lives is loving him the way he deserves, Castle only pays attention to the blonde bimbo hanging onto his arm.

And again _extraordinary _is just a word Kate Beckett would never use to describe herself with.


	13. Realize

**Author's Note: "Realize" is by Colbie Caillat and the quote below is the very last sentence of "Heat Wave".**

* * *

><p><em>They stopped at his front steps, breathless, and kissed each other, two lovers for the night getting soaked in the rain.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Realize<strong>

It's the last day of spring. This time tomorrow the favorite season of most people will finally be here.  
>Not hers, though. Kate has always been the fall-type of girl.<br>It took time to realize such a simple fact. She only noticed it when Castle hadn't been on her side the first summer.  
>Did she ever tell him that she kind of dreads every year's summer since that very first one? Probably not. They never talk about those things.<br>Her eyes follow Rick's every movement, take them all in.  
>How he writes down some facts on the murder board.<br>How he tries to get Ryan to admit that he also first thought their victim had been killed by the CIA.  
>How it feels when his finger tips brush hers every time he hands her a coffee.<br>Because by this time tomorrow, he'll be gone off to Europe, promoting _Frozen Heat._  
>"Hey, Kate. You okay?", he asks. She just smiles her secretive smile, because she never had a way with words.<br>She can't spell out for him that she dreads tomorrow because he'll be gone and they'll waste another summer, hoping that fall will reunite them.  
>No, with them it's never gonna be that simple and so she escapes using the easiest of all answers: "I'm fine, Castle."<p>

* * *

><p>He takes her to <em>Remy's<em> after they've wrapped up the case.  
>When Paula and Gina first talked to him about the promotion of <em>Frozen Heat <em>in Europe, he thought about taking Kate along.  
>But then the bomb case happened and secrets unraveled; leaving them on edge.<br>They're still not completely back to their old dynamic, it's more like they're tip-toeing around each other, coming close sometimes just to shy away in the next instant.  
>She probably would've declined anyway, like she did when he asked her to accompany him to the Hamptons years ago. After all, some people had to work for a living, right?<br>His gaze follows a couple holding hands and stopping from time to time to kiss, just outside _Remy's._ Hers does, too, and Castle takes time to realize that this could be them so easily. But instead they're about to let yet another summer pass them by.  
>"What are you thinking about?",Kate asks when she catches him watching the couple.<br>"Just that the guy has really cool sunglasses." It's kind of a white lie, but after all the things they've been through this year it's not time to start discussing the possibilities of a future relationship – if they'll ever have one – just hours before he's on his way to Europe.  
>There are many more summers for them to come.<br>"Which reminds me.", he continues, "I probably should head back to the loft and finish packing."  
>"And I need to go back to the precinct and finish the paperwork. After all someone still refuses to do their fair share. "<br>They both stand, looking at each other awkwardly. Finally she reaches out, grabs his hand and squeezes. "Promise to not do something stupid in Europe. I can't bail you out there. And keep me posted, will you?"  
>He takes her other hand, too, and tugs her a little closer. "Yeah.", he says, "Have a nice summer."<br>"You, too."  
>Then they part.<p>

* * *

><p>It's been five hours since she last heard from him. Five hours closer to hopefully seeing him again in fall. 2742 hours to go. How is she going to survive so long?<br>Her cell rings, and she picks up without looking at the caller ID.

"Beckett."  
>"Hey, Detective!", his voice greats her in the usual chipper way, "What makes me look more ruggedly handsome? The leather jacket or the brown coat?"<br>Kate rolls her eyes, smiling. Only Castle would call because of that. Sometimes he's such a girl.  
>"Coat.", she replies easy.<br>"Do you think a suitcase full of pullovers will be enough?"  
>She chuckles. "Castle, it's not like it's winter over there."<br>"Yeah, Alexis thought so, too. Noooww... to the fun part."  
>"I swear, if you're trying to make me pick out your underwear..."<br>He chuckles, glad that she so easily engaged herself into his little game to fight boredom while packing.  
>"That would only be fun if it were the other way around. I'm talking about tuxedos. Your suggestion, my dear Detective?"<br>"Remember the one from our first undercover assignment? Take it."  
>"Good choice. By the way, where did you hide your badge back then?"<br>"Trust me, you don't wanna know."  
>"Huh?", Castle squints, head deep in his wardrobe.<br>"What?"  
>"I can't seem to find the matching tie... You don't happen to know where I put it, do you?"<br>"What am I, your girlfriend?"  
>They both freeze as soon as that statement leaves her mouth.<br>Castle is the first to recover. "You're my work-wife. And you lived here for quite some time."  
>"Try the top drawer.", she suggests and sure enough, Castle finds the tie he's looking for.<br>And so they proceed packing his suitcases for the next three months, discussing rather important but mostly random things, like her never having tasted authentic Italian coffee.  
>Hours pass them by, but the essential things go unsaid between them.<br>When they eventually end the call, they both stare at their cells, wondering if they missed out on each other yet again.

* * *

><p>"Good morning, girl friend!", Lanie greets Kate as soon as she strides into the morgue the next morning. The ME takes a closer look at the detective's slightly red and puffy eyes.<br>"Uh, you don't look like it's a good morning. What is it, girl?"  
>Kate makes a face and answers: "It's not fall yet."<br>Lanie raises her eyebrows. "Is that some secret code you and WriterBoy came up with? Because your man came down here yesterday, also looking like someone had run over his puppy, saying: "Summer isn't even close to ending." What is it with you guys disliking most people's favorite season so much?"  
>But Kate can't tell Lanie about the irrational fear that gets her every time summer approaches. The fear that keeps her company when the heat rises in the city and only fades when the days get shorter.<br>"It's not that simple.", she says instead.  
>"But it could be, you know? You just need to realize what everyone already sees: The two of you are a walking fairytale. All you need to do is meet him halfway and then you just dive into it together."<br>She used to play it save, always one foot out of the door. But lately it's even hard for her to know where she stands. Maybe Lanie's right. Maybe it's time for her to realize that she should just meet him halfway.  
>Kate looks down on her watch.<br>20 minutes until Castle's on his way to Europe...  
>"I need to go. Thanks Lanie – you're a great friend."<br>The ME smiles as the detective dashes out of the morgue and says to the corpse on her table: "If she'd only listen to me more often."

* * *

><p>Kate makes a run for her Crown Victoria and scuds to the airport, sirens turned on; her driving a tribute to Slaughters skills with a car. But this is New York City and you're never as fast anywhere as you expect to be. Still, she reaches the airport in time.<br>Inside it gets a little tricky. The woman selling the tickets won't allow her into the section where the jet Castle chartered for Europe is.  
>Her time is running out and Kate soon gets impatient. She leans across the counter and says in a low voice: "Listen, it's important that I get to the hangar before Mr. Castle's plane leaves." Then she flashes her badge. "Did I make myself clear?"<br>"Very.", the woman answers and nods at the security details who let Kate pass willingly.  
>She races down to the hangar, while it starts to drizzle.<br>It's not far anymore, she can already see him. He's about to board.  
>"Castle!", Kate screams from the top of her lungs, "RICK!"<br>Castle immediately pauses and turns just in time to catch her in a knee-jerk reaction as she flings herself at him.  
>Between the two of them, he has always been the eloquent one, seldom at a loss of words, while she constantly seems to seeking them.<br>They fail her again and so she turns to the one language that doesn't need words at all.  
>Action.<br>She presses her lips to his.  
>For a moment, Castle is completely taken aback, put when his brain is finally catching up with her actions, he pulls her even closer and kisses her back.<br>The kiss, this little moment in time, is all they thought and never thought it would be.  
>Passionate. Desperate. Intensive. Overwhelming. Perfect. Promising. Forgiving. Slow. Fast. Wanting. Needing. Loving. Earth-shattering. Anchoring.<br>A Beginning. An Ending.  
>Everything at once.<br>From far far away they hear Gina calling for him to finally board, but it washes over them.  
>Right now they're just two lovers in their own little world, kissing and getting soaked in the rain.<br>Breathless, they eventually part and Kate leans her forehead against his, eyes closed.  
>There are so many things she needs to tell him.<br>So many things she has to ask.  
>But time is still running out and so she just asks the one question that bugs her since he announced he' d go to Europe.<br>"See you in the fall?"  
>"Always, Kate. Always."<br>He kisses her one last time and when she opens her eyes he's already gone.  
>She steps back as the plane starts, waving as it takes off and watching it getting smaller and smaller, tears running down her face.<br>Or maybe it's just the rain, feeling hot on her cold skin.  
>Either way, it doesn't matter, because with every passing minute fall comes closer, bringing him back to her.<p> 


	14. Stay

**Author's Note: The Song is "Stay" by Hurts. Also you'll find a bit of the dialogues from the sneak peeks of "Always" - the story is loosely based on the promos and the sneak peeks, so it's a bit SPOILER-ISH.**

* * *

><p><strong>Stay <strong>

People say you see your life flashing before your eyes when you're about to die.

Well, Kate technically died once, but all that flashed before her eyes were memories of Castle.

And now, she hangs on the verge of a goddamn rooftop and again, all she sees is him.

_Again she's at his apartment, staring at his murder board and hears him say:_

"_You have to stop this investigation, Kate. If you keep on investigating, I can't keep you save. They will kill you."_

"_You... you have been part of this?" Now she's close to tears, as is he._

"_I was just trying to keep you save."_

"_By keeping your investigation of my mothers case a secret? By **lying** to me?"She swallows her tears and when she continues, her voice is hoarse: "Why did you do that?"_

"_Because I love you." He just says it like this, like it's the most natural thing in the world. She stares at him, blinking. Waiting. Waiting for what? She waited for what felt like her whole life for the right time to tell him how she feels. She wants him to know how much she loves him. Now the moment is here, but the words won't come. All she does is staring and so he continues: "But you already know that, don't you? I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. And I love you Kate and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this." _

_She knows how her answer should be. But she can't say it, not when love and hurt keep fighting over her heart. He betrayed her, yet again. He looked into her mother's murder behind her back. He risked his life for her and in a way that hurts her even more, because she could've lost him. God, she hates herself for falling for him so easily, she hates her heart for loving him and at that makes her hate him; love him._

_He waits her inner battle out. He always does. That's one of the reasons why she loves him so damn much. He won't try to rescue her unless she really needs it._

_This doesn't stop him from pleading with her silently. _

_**Change your mind, Kate. Stop chasing the Dragon.**_

_**And say you're mine.**_

_**I need to know that you're save, so don't leave tonight.**_

_**Stay, Kate. Stay.**_

_She wants to stay. She wants to be his, always. But she can't. Not when stopping the investigation would feel like letting her mother down. No, she needs to put this case to rest, for her mother's sake and for her own and that will only happen one way: by putting the Dragon behind bars for the rest of his life. _

_Then she can stay. _

_But tonight the Dragon is still out, so she shakes her head, slowly, and turns around. She needs to go, NOW, and she runs. _

_She's been running for quite some time now, both figuratively and literally. Somewhere along the way from Castles apartment to hers it started to rain. She can't see the drops falling onto the pavement; can't see anything behind that haze of tears in her eyes._

_Eventually she stops and leans against a wall. It suddenly hits her hard that she's here again, on the same point she was thirteen years ago and she's without him one more time, no matter how often she tried to tell him that she needed him._

_She bends over, sobbing, and the tears fall freely now, mixing with the raindrops._

_Inside, she feels insecure and so lost; can't tell the difference between right and wrong anymore._

_She doesn't know anything for sure anymore, except for one thing: This love between them – it's real. And he needs to know that she knows, that she won't fight it any longer._

_So she turns around and runs all the way back to his apartment._

_They have a history of saying good bye, she thinks as her hand collides with his door again and again._

_They do it every summer, because somehow that season always seems to part them, not knowing if they'll ever find back to one another._

_His 'I love you.' on the day she got shot, her almost-declaration in the freezer, the hand-holding when that bomb was about to explode... just variations of saying good bye._

_But it never felt like this, she'll soon see._

_His door opens and he's clearly surprised to see her._

_Kate knows he wants some sort of explanation, but she was never good with finding the right words._

_So, she kisses him. Kisses him with all she has left to give. She knows it's not enough as he tugs her closer, as he kisses her back and she melts into him, clinging onto him for dear life._

_It's never enough. _

_The tears find their way through her closed eyelashes as she leans her forehead against his'._

"_It means everything, Rick. Everything. But I can't stop now. Not when I'm this close to find the guy who ruined my life so many years ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

_They have a history with good byes. They had their fair share of breaking downs when the other walked away._

_But this. This is the hardest of all good byes._

_Kate kisses him one last time, their tears mingling, before she breaks free from his embrace and leaves his apartment._

_Outside, the back at his door, she breaks down. _

Somehow, today's events let into this one moment where she stood across her sniper, stripped of her gun and badge, before he threw her off of the rooftop.

Oddly enough, it reminded her of the adventures her alter-ego had to life through.

If only this would be one of Castle's book so he could rewrite the ending.

But it's not. She still clings to the verge of the goddamn rooftop, trying to hold on even if her fingers get sweaty. Her eyes are wide open, but all she can see is Castle's face.

She might have never wanted him tailing her, but since he came along, her messed-up life was suddenly starting to become normal again.

Before him she had nowhere to run to – sure, she could go to Lanie, the boys or her dad, but no one understood her the way he did.

She had nothing to hold on to either until he became her anchor so willingly.

Her fingers are slipping slowly away from the verge, one by one.

She'll fall any minute now and she's so scared.

"Rick!", she whimpers, "RICK!" Does he know how it feels to have to let him go?

She looks up to the sky, to her finger tips too close to the edge, but all she really sees is him.

Always him.

She was told that people say you see your life flashing before your eyes when you're about to die.

Kate thinks it's because the brain is searching for a solution to get you out of the situation.

Castle got her out of deadly situations before, so maybe he's the solution.

Or perhaps he's just her life.


	15. Vincit Omnia Veritas

**Author's Note: So this was inspired by "In my veins" by Andrew Belle and the inscription on Johanna Beckett's tombstone. And probably a bit by Alexis' speech in "Always", which was just so great.**

* * *

><p><strong>Vincit Omnia Veritas<strong>

Everything is dark.

New York City seems to have fallen asleep, because there are no noises.

Except the rain. Laying here in the dark, wide awake, it's all Kate hears.

No, that's not quite right.

Actually, Kate has been listening to not only the rain for hours now but also to Castle's steady breathing next to her.

Since she refused a nightlight at the age of three, Kate Beckett isn't afraid of the dark any longer. Most days she welcomes those dark hours in the silence of her apartment. They're calming.

But tonight they're more than she can take.

Tonight it's just a little bit too dark, a little bit too silent and her thoughts are just a little bit too loud.

Since she woke up hours ago, she's fighting the urge to run. Battling instincts from an old life in which she walked away, hid behind a wall when she was about to lose control.

Because this change in their relationship wasn't supposed to happen this way. Not with him telling her he loves her to prevent her from running straight to her sniper. Not with her almost dying and only then realizing that everything she truly wants has been in front of her for years now and she was just too blind to see it.

Still, it happened that way and tonight they broke all the bridges off.

It's frighting, because the territory they reached in the process is new and she's not sure if they're standing on solid ground. What if they crash tomorrow or next week or a month from now, after burning for years?

Maybe there is still time to turn around and jump into the water to swim back to well-known land.

Kate rolls onto her side, facing Castle. When the writer sleeps, she can clearly see the little boy in his peaceful face, who sometimes comes out during the day to pull her pigtails.

She's already in love with that sight. She'd lose that if she runs.

Her fingers reach for his face but stop when she feels the warmth radiating from him, seeping into her veins like fire. It's a fire she came to depend on. It's _him_ she came to depend on, him who tore her wall apart and came so unbelievably close that she couldn't help but fall in love with him.

Over the years, he got under her skin; right into her veins. And now, she cannot get him out anymore. Doesn't want to.

Kate snuggles into the sheets, getting enveloped in his scent. She buries her face in them and smells his Aftershave, musk and something she can't quite pinpoint but knows that it is pure Castle.

It reminds her of their kisses. Even if it's been hours before, she still can taste him inside of her mouth.

This; his smell, his taste, is something she doesn't want to lose and if it's up to her, than she can fight the urge to run and stay forever. But what if _he_ runs away as soon as the harsh light of day reveals that she is not what he hoped to find, even though he told her he loved her?

"Kate..." She's immediately alerted. But it's just him, whispering in his sleep. "Don't go..."

A change comes over his face, the peacefulness is gone; he looks troubled now.

"Stay, Kate... stay."

Apparently, she got into his veins, too.

Her fingers land onto his jaw and outlines it, while she shifts closer.

"I'm here, Rick. I won't leave you."

He subconsciously reaches for Kate and draws her closer, curling himself around her.

And suddenly, all her doubts are gone.

As long as he holds onto her, anchors her to him, to them, to the moment, she won't ever doubt.

_Vincit Omnia Veritas._, she thinks, _Truth conquers all things. _And this is a truth.

But there's another the truth:

Everything around them will change. Nothing is certain anymore, not even tomorrows happenings.

Maybe she'll stand up in the wee hours of the morning to make him pancakes that mean _Thank you so much for last night _this time. Esposito and Ryan will probably squeal like fangirls once they get a hint on that.

Kate is curious – who will be the lucky devil winning the pool?

She won't know for the next few months, because neither she nor Castle will return to the precinct.

Maybe she'll claim her badge one day, but not in the near future. Maybe then he'll be her partner once again.

Her resignation may have come sudden, but it was time to say good bye, to walk away from her old life which was centered around her mother's murder. It's time to pack away the murder board, leave clues be clues and focus on the most important thing of life itself: living.

Kate smiles slightly to herself.

Knowing their timing, Alexis will be home before they're even really out of bed and then she's most likely to be bound to do the walk of shame. Not that she actually plans to sneak out of the loft behind his daughter's back. She plans on staying. So there will be an awkward conversation taking place.

But tonight she doesn't care about any of that.

She just leaves it to tomorrow to bring on the change.

She's ready for it as long as Castle is with her, anchors her.

In the upcoming weeks and months Kate will learn a third truth.

Part of it is how fragile life can be.

She'll learn that certain things she relies on, like trusting a shadow-y man's deal for her life, will leave her in the morning. She'll also learn that even though you can walk away from the past, it'll find you in the day.

But the much greater part she'll learn is this:_ Amor Vincit Omnia_.

Love conquers all things.


	16. Pictures Of You

**Author's Note 1: Not really inspired by the song, just by the title "Pictures Of You" from The Last Goodnight.**

* * *

><p><strong>Pictures Of You<strong>

"_A picture is not only a reflection of people. It's a reflection of compassion, love and memories of good times."_ - Sandra Edwards

* * *

><p>Sometimes, you find the most amazing things when you're not looking for them.<p>

That, Kate thinks, seems to be the story of her life.

There's Castle for example – when they first met, she wasn't looking for something; _someone_ so extraordinary. In fact she wasn't looking for anything. But she got him.

Over the years, she got more of those amazing gifts and today, it happens again.

Instead of finding her notebook, which she was sure to find somewhere on Castle's desk, she gets her hands on a little box.

Now, it's her job to be curious and because she hasn't seen this box before, she decides to detect (make that snooping) a little.

Inside the box is a stack of photos she has never seen before.

And right on top, there's a picture of two coffee cups on her desk in the precinct.

It makes her think of the 100 hundred cups of coffee she owed Castle. She payed that debt, by the way.

Took her almost their entire first year of being a couple. But it was worth it.

While other couples might talk about things like favorite colors, favorite restaurants, embarrassing High School memories to get to know each other, Kate knew that their language didn't necessarily include talking. But it included (and still does) coffee; their silent way of saying "I love you.".

So, she wrote all the secrets he didn't know on coffee cups.

This picture, though, doesn't show any of the 100 coffees.

No, this two cups are special in their very own way.

One has a bride print on it and the other a groom.

Kate's smile gets even brighter as she remembers the day she found the bride-cup on her desk...

_She's late for work. So late that she didn't even had time to stop by a Starbucks to get coffee._

_Usually, Castle would've fixed her one at home but today there wasn't one. And she couldn't ask him to fix her one, because for reasons unknown he had left in the wee hours of the morning._

_Which was odd. He hardly left before her and he never forgot to make coffee._

_She should've known that something is up._

_But without her morning coffee, Kate isn't able to function, let alone think. _

_So she's not suspicious once she arrives at the precinct._

_Just unnerved be the looks her colleagues give her. Like they know something she doesn't._

_Usually, she just gets those looks when Castle did something stupid and tries to hide it from her._

_Where is WriterBoy anyway? He doesn't have a meeting and Alexis is having finals, so he's not visiting her. She just hopes whatever made him leave early isn't dangerous._

_That's when Kate stops short. She has seen the bride-cup and can't do anything but stare at it while the precinct goes quiet, waiting for her reaction._

_For a moment, everything is frozen in place._

_Then the detective slowly reaches for the post-it stuck to the cup, her face unreadable._

**_Kate_**_, it says,_**_I know you're still a little pissed off because I put that perp who dared to threat you down, hurting myself in the process. But you're worth it, Kate. You're worth every pain, every sleepless night, every tear and so much more. To me, you're my solid ground. My North Star. The clear voice in my heart that will be with me, wherever I go. To me, you're everything._**

_**I think it's time to let "Always" become more than a word. Let's make it reality.**_

_The minute she feels him behind her, he's already spinning her around._

"_If I could, I'd go down on a knee. But doing that with a still healing leg wouldn't be so smart.", he says while taking her hands, which still clutch the note, in his, "So, Katherine Beckett, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"_

_Oh, Rick. That perfect, perfect man._

_She claims his lips with hers and between kissing him, crying and grinning like an idiot, she says:_

"_Yes. Always. Yes."_

_The people around them erupt into cheers; while Ryan and Esposito have a proud-brother-moment and keep telling each other that no, they're not crying – just having gotten something into their eyes. _

Unconsciously, Kate plays with her ring, while looking at the next picture. It's one from their Wedding Day. Whenever she thinks about that beautiful day in early fall when it was still warm enough and the weeks leading up to it, the first thing she comes to think about is always Alexis' face, when she asked her to be her maid of honor.

_Alexis stares at Kate as if the detective just told her that there's indeed a big old guy jumping into chimneys on Christmas, bringing gifts to the children. _

"_I'm sorry.", she finally says, "But can you repeat that?"_

"_Alexis, would you like to be my maid of honor?"_

_The girl's eyes are still widened in surprise, but this time she can at least respond immediately._

"_Kate... I'd love that, really. But shouldn't that be Dr. Parish's job? I mean, she's your best friend and all..."_

_The detective smiles. As a former bridesmaid, she knows that the groom doesn't only marry his bride but her family, too. In this case however, hers and Castles places are switched. So she wants Alexis to not feel left out. Kate wants her to be part of it all, to accept the detective not only as her fathers new wife but also as family._

_And she knows that,even though Alexis never showed it in front of her, the girl is as crazy about the wedding as Lanie._

"_You're right.", Kate says, "It should be Lanies job. And it is. But it's yours too, if you want to. Because I'd really like to have both of you as my maids of honor."_

_In the next second, Alexis is flying to her, hugging her close._

"_Then, yes, I'd like that, too. Thank you."_

_Alexis and Lanie did a good job helping her planing the wedding and preventing her from turning into Bridezilla. _

_And today is the day. _

_She sits on the bed in the suite where they had the bachelorette party yesterday._

_Lanie comes in, carrying Kate's dress and helps her stepping into it._

"_Oh, sweetie.", the ME sighs, "You look so beautiful."_

_Kate smiles tenderly. "Thank you, Lanie."_

"_Well, now I gotta go, check on your writer."_

_A little bit later, while Kate is putting finishing touches on her Make-Up, Alexis enters the suite._

_She sits down next to the detective and hugs her. "I just... I wanted to thank you. For letting me be part of this. And for letting Dad love you. For loving him the way he deserves. You two let me believe in fairytales again.", the girl sniffles quietly and then lets go of her: "Now, I've got something for you. You still need your something borrowed and blue."_

_She hands her future stepmother a little package. "Open it."_

_And Kate does._

_What she finds in it is a barrette with a blue butterfly on it._

"_Oh, Alexis... this is... thank you."_

_The girl takes the butterfly and pins it into Kate's hair. "Ready?"_

"_Like never before."_

_Her father smiles tenderly at her and links his arm through hers once Kate reaches him._

"_Are you nervous, Katie?"_

_She shakes her head, remembering that Castle asked her the very same question when they were on the phone last night. The answer she gives her dad is the same she gave Rick: "Strangely not."_

_Jim pats his daughter's hand. "I know that feeling. Had it when I was about to marry your mother. It was like I knew that it was meant to be."_

_Then the door opens and all Kate can see is Castle at the end of the aisle (Why the hell is he so far away?And why can't she just run down to him? Because she'd really like to.) flanked by his best men Ryan and Esposito._

_Rick's close to tears while the ceremony takes place but so is Kate once they say their vows, which they came up with on their own._

_Finally the words "You may now kiss the bride" fall – and what a kiss it is. (Let's just say, the one which started their relationship a few years ago in a stormy night is nothing compared to this one.)_

_The newly-weds are so engrossed in each other that neither of them realizes that Martha sneaks up and takes a picture of the kiss._

"Mommy?", the voice of her six-year-old asks from the door and Kate looks up, being met with her daughter's blue eyes.

The little girl that looks so much like a mini-version of her mother except for the color of her eyes, is a dream that became reality two and a half years after their wedding.  
>"What are you doin'?"<p>

"Just looking through some old photos, sweetheart."

Kate's daughter, just as curious as her father, shuffles closer and peaks at the picture in her mother's hand.

"That us?"

"Yeah. It was taken a few hours after you were born, Joni."

For someone not familiar with the Castles, the name "Joni" might sound strange, maybe even a bit eccentric. But of course, there is a story behind it.

"_Nikki?"  
>"As much as I love you, Rick, I'm not gonna let you name our daughter after my slutty alter ego."<em>

"_C'mon, Kate. That would be so cool!", Castle whines while sitting down onto his wife's hospital bed, "Besides you said I'd get a say in naming her." _

_Kate rolls her eyes. He'd tried to get her to agree naming the newest member of their family "Nikki" since he found out they would have a daughter._

_She refused to agree the last few month and she won't back down now, even if she just gave birth._

"_Make you a deal. Her second name is going to be Nikki if you let me choose her first one."_

_Okay, so maybe she backs down a little. _

"_And you suggest...?"_

"_Johanna."_

_Rick smiles slightly. With that, he's more than okay. "So Johanna Nikki Castle it is. But we still have a problem. How do we call her in daily life without confusing her? Johanna? Nikki? Johanna Nikki?"_

_A soft voice from the end of the room answers._

_It's Alexis who sits in a chair, cradling the sister she adores already in her arms._

"_Why not give her nickname? Like Joni. It has both Johanna and Nikki in it."_

"_Joni.", Kate repeats, testing the name on her tongue, "I like it."_

"Huh.", Joni says, "I can't remember being so little!"

Kate chuckles and strokes her daughter's hair.

At times, Joni can be as stubborn as her mother (like when she decided she didn't need a nightlight anymore at the very mature age of three) but underneath, there is a childish wonderment the girl won't ever out grow.

"What happened to your pigtails?", the detective asks, only now realizing that the pigtails Rick had done in the morning are gone.

"Oh, well. A boy in school pulled them and afterwards, they were ruined."

"And what did you do?"

"Let the hair down, told him that it hurt and said if he'd try to do it again, I'd make you shoot him and then I'd get Lexi to make his body disappear."

So basically, Joni scared the hell out of the poor kid. It's somehow soothing to know that her little girl has her ways of protecting herself, because in her mother's eyes, she's growing up way too fast.

It seems like it was only yesterday, when Joni spoke her first word...

"_... Tell her, you said hi.", Kate hears Rick talking on the phone to Alexis, when she helps Joni toddling into his office. "Hey, look who's here!", he says and catches his youngest before she can fall over, sitting down with her._

"_Hey, Joni – wanna talk to your sister?" The little girl makes a noise which Rick interprets as a yes and puts Alexis on speaker._

"_Hi, Joni.", his oldest says in a voice so soft and full of love for her sibling. " I hear you keep Dad and Kate on their toes. Good girl."_

_Joni stares in awe at the phone. She tries to reach for it and … "Leksie?"_

_Now it's Ricks turn to stare at his little daughter as if she just grew a second head._

_From Alexis comes stunned silence. Then: "Dad, did she just...?"_

_But it's Kate who snaps out of it before Rick and says: "Yeah, I think she just said her first word." The detective sits down in front of her daughter and husband and asks: "Hey, sweetheart. Care to repeat that?"_

_Joni giggles and says: "Leksie!"  
>Rick blinks a few times, before he wants to know: "Okay, Alexis – spill. How did you teach her to say your name? What bribe does she accept? Because I've been trying to teach her to say 'Dad' for weeks now."<em>

_Alexis just laughs. "Oh, I don't need to bribe her. I just seem to be her favorite person."_

And Alexis was right back then. Joni adores her big sister. Alexis on the other hand would do **everything **for her sibling (probably even let a body disappear, though she's not a ME yet). When it comes to Joni, Alexis can be quite the tigress, just like Kate.

It amazes the detective every time to see both her daughters interacting. To Kate, Alexis has become something between a daughter and a younger sister years ago.

Looking at the photo that is now on top of the stack – the one from the annual Castle Halloween party three years ago – she believes that Alexis thinks likewise.

"_Kate, you thinkin' about joinin' us anytime soon?", Rick – already dressed up as his favorite **Firefly **_**-**_character - whines, leaning on the wall next to the closed door of his office._

_He's been trying to find out what her costume for Halloween is for the last month. Unsuccessfully. _

_His wife's soft laugh floats through the door. "Can't take a little excitement, Ricky?"_

"_I've been excited for the last month!"_

"_Relax. I'm almost ready. Go do something useful while I'm finishing this. Like preventing Joni from a sugar rush."_

_A little bit later, Kate emerges from the office. Martha, dressed as Cleopatra, is the first to see her. Taking her daughter – in -law's appearance in, she smiles and murmurs: "Well, my dear. Someone is going to get lucky.", which makes Kate blush. Then, the two make their way into the kitchen where Rick is._

_As soon as he sees his wife, Rick is close to drooling. "Wow.", he stammers. "This is why Halloween is my favorite. Holiday. Ever." _

"_I take it you like my costume, then."_

"_You kidding? I love it. This is every writer's red badge of honor! Well, aside from having a copycat."_

_Joni's hands wander into the box with the goodies, while she takes her mother's outfit in._

"_But that doesn't count as a costume, mommy. On Halloween you're supposed to dress up as something you're not. Not as yourself in shorter clothes."_

_Alexis, who has heard the last part of the conversation enters the kitchen and picks Joni up._

"_Mom's not dressed as herself, sweetie. You know the books Dad's writing? The ones about the female detective? Mom's dressed as her."_

_Both girls wander off, as Rick presses a kiss to his wife's cheek and murmurs: "Any chance I'm going to see you wear this more often?", while Kate's eyes are trained on Alexis._

"_In your dreams.", she responds distracted, while pondering the redheaded girl's words._

_Alexis said 'Mom'._

_Not 'Your mother' or 'Kate'._

_Mom._

_Rick, as always, gets when something is just slightly off. And of course he knows exactly what it is._

"_She does it occasionally. Calling you 'Mom'. Alexis never really had someone around long enough who could come close to the role Meredith should've played in her life. Except you. Because you're for keeps, always, and she knows that. You don't mind being called 'Mom' by her, right?"_

"_I..., no, of course not. I've just never heard her calling me that before."_

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I actually just wanted to know if you would come and help me getting the Laser Tag vests. Because Lexi and dad will be here soon and Lexi promised we'd all play Laser Tag. We're going to play, right?"

Kate's eyes wander to the photo she has now in her hands.

It was made only a few weeks prior, if she remembers correctly. The photo shows both her girls in their blinking vests, posing like a certain British Secret Agent.

Ever since Joni was old enough to pull the trigger with her little fingers, she's part of the Castle family game.

"Sure.", Kate says, "It's tradition. Besides, your dad and I are waiting to kick your and your sister's butts."

"Not if Lexi and I are faster!", Joni singsongs and wanders off to get the vests.

Kate laughs, looks at the photo one last time before she puts it back into the box.

Those moments, captured and safely tugged away, are the ones she loves to revisit the most.

This memories are the reason why she didn't let go when her sniper threw her over the edge of the rooftop. They are the reason why her mother's murder is still unsolved.

Because this life is so much more worth than a revenge.

And there is so much of it left to live.

Kate knows that soon there will be more beautiful memories to come.

Suddenly, she can't wait to make them any longer.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note 2: So, care to share your thoughts on this?<strong>


End file.
